


Closer

by meyretzka (stuckay)



Series: Inevitable [2]
Category: Football RPF
Genre: Angst, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, kinda??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-08-12 18:57:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7945525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuckay/pseuds/meyretzka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joshua is head over heels in love with his best friend and team mate Julian. So far he managed to keep his distance but the next international break is just around the corner and that means constant exposure. How the hell is he supposed to survive that?</p><p>Canon Divergent AU set sometime after the Euro 2016 in which Marco isn't injured anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wie soll ein Mensch das ertragen

**Author's Note:**

> I got the idea for this on a 7-hour drive and couldn't write it until I arrived. I'm surprised I haven't forgotten half of what I wanted to write tbh. This is unbeta'ed so please excuse any mistakes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Only when he was one hundred percent sure Julian was out of sight Joshua felt safe enough to let out the breath he was holding. He was so screwed. His crush on the other boy was starting to reach an unhealthy level but, to be honest, that wasn’t solely Joshua’s fault."

Joshua was sitting on a big armchair in the luxurious hotel lobby looking at his phone when he felt the sudden weight of a chin placing itself on his left shoulder and a familiar face appeared in his peripheral vision.

“What are you looking at?” Julian asked, his breath tickling Joshua’s ear lightly.

“Um… just checking my mails.” Joshua answered, feeling himself tensing at Julian’s presence and immediately hating his body for reacting in this way.

“Ah, I see.” Ju said, a smirk already beginning to form on his face. “If you switch that yellow candy with the green one you can create a special candy, by the way.”

“Hey, I actually did check my mails earlier on!” Jo said in mock indignation. “But thank you.” He swiped his thumb on the touchscreen of his phone and a striped candy appeared.

“So, do you have any plans before training this afternoon?”

“Yeah, Thomas and Manu wanted me to join them to discuss tactics or something. I don’t know, they just said to meet them in their room. I guess they’ll just want to watch a movie or something.”

Julian shook his head. “Bayern… always keeping to themselves. Alright, see you later then, I guess.” While getting up he turned his head slightly, causing his lips to softly brush against Jo’s temple, and ruffled his hair, leaving behind a blushing Joshua.

 

Only when he was one hundred percent sure Julian was out of sight Joshua felt safe enough to let out the breath he was holding. He was so screwed. His crush on the other boy was starting to reach an unhealthy level but, to be honest, that wasn’t solely Joshua’s fault.

When he first met Julian he was immediately blown away by the handsome dark-haired boy and apparently his prayers have been answered for once in his life because the two of them got along right from the get-go and became friends in a matter of days. They exchanged numbers on the day they met and have stayed in touch on a daily basis via texting and sometimes even facetiming. Since then Julian has always been affectionate towards Joshua, but he quickly noticed that that was just how he was to everyone. Lately, however, Joshua just couldn’t bear it anymore. Just looking at him and knowing the other would never reciprocate his feelings was enough to drive him over the edge. Whenever they happened to meet just being near Julian was beginning to feel like his only purpose on this earth was to make Joshua suffer. Now don’t get him wrong; receiving an extended amount of Ju’s attention was definitely something he enjoyed but as happy as it made him to be so close to his best friend it simultaneously made him the most miserable man on earth. And Julian didn’t even seem to notice what kind of effect he had on Joshua.

To make matters even worse international break just started and Ju had the glorious idea to share a room which basically meant he was going to be around him 24/7 for a whole week. Great.

-

After finally having been able to free himself from Thomas’s and Manu’s room which had accommodated not only the three of them but the whole German Bayern squad to _actually_ discuss tactics (those losers) he took to return to his room. Julian wasn’t around but his stuff was already unpacked so as he didn’t have anything else to do until training began, Joshua started to empty his suitcase as well. While he carefully put his t-shirts into the small closet opposite his bed he couldn’t stop thinking about Julian’s “kiss”. It wasn’t really a kiss. Ju just grazed his temple by accident. He knew that. But it didn’t stop him from thinking about how it had made him feel tingles all over or how it had made his knees turn into jelly (thank God he hadn’t been standing or he probably would’ve melted on the spot); and how it still brought a light blush to his cheeks when he thought about it now.

For just one second he allowed himself to imagine what it would be like to actually be with Julian. He did that sometimes, when it all got too much. His daydreams would take him to a world where he could hold Ju’s hand and kiss him whenever he felt like it. And where no one would bat an eye at it.

Placing his travel-sized toiletries on the bathroom shelf he got a glance at himself in the mirror and saw the small smile that had appeared on his face. Shaking those thoughts from his mind he let out a defeated sigh. This week was going to be pure torture for him and the worst part was that he couldn’t even tell his best friend about his love life problems because said best friend _was_ the love life problem. What the hell had he gotten himself into?

Once he finished unpacking his things it was nearly time for the first training session so he put all the stuff he needed into a bag and headed for the locker rooms hoping that training would take his mind away from anything besides football.

-

“Piggyback attack!” he heard someone scream right before he felt a body jumping onto his back. He almost fell over from the impact but somehow managed to keep his balance.

 **“** Ugh! Ju, you’re taller than me, you know that, right?” Joshua whined but he still wrapped his hands around Julian’s legs to keep him from slipping off.

“Yes, but you have strong arms so I’m sure you can handle me.” The younger boy responded with a grin. “Now stop complaining and continue running! You still have two laps to go.”

Running with Julian clinging to him proved to be a challenge in two ways: First of all, it was considerably harder to run with double the weight on his back and he started getting out of breath fairly soon. Secondly, having Ju‘s body pressed so closely to his was probably one of the biggest ‘not now boner’ moments he had ever experience in his entire life.

This needed to stop. He wasn’t sure how he would do it but he had to make it stop or else Julian would drive him insane. Honestly, he was surprised that Julian hadn’t figured it out yet. How did he not notice what kind of responses his actions evoked in Joshua? Not that he really wanted Julian to pick up on his infatuation for him, since being exposed as gay would destroy more than just their friendship, but life would be so much easier if he didn’t have to think about every single touch coming from the Dortmund player. He hated debating whether it could mean something to Julian or if it was all just unintentional, friendly banter. He hated getting his hopes up for nothing.

This shit had been going on for months now and he’s had enough of this pathetic situation he’s brought onto himself so in an act of desperation he decided to confront Julian.

-

Later at dinner he was still trying to find a way to go about the thing he was about to do. Telling the truth was definitely out of question. Not only would it ruin their friendship forever but the whole team would know about it before tomorrow came. It wasn’t that he suspected any of his team mates to be homophobic but the thing is you don’t really know people. You don’t know how they think and feel about certain things until you ask them. And he was not about to interview his colleagues about their opinions on ‘Being Gay and Homophobia in the Football Industry – an autobiography by Joshua Kimmich’. No, thank you. Not to mention the media which would eat him alive if his true sexuality was ever revealed. That’d be the end of his career and he would very much like to take a pass on that.

But what was he going to say? He couldn’t just ask Ju to stop getting close to him because it ‘bothered’ him. Julian would probably think he had secretly hated him all this time and now he‘s had enough of pretending to be his friend. But he also couldn’t just tell him to stop touching him without giving him some kind of explanation. That’d come off as weird and Ju would probably figure out the truth sooner or later. No, he would have to take a different approach. Maybe if he-

“Hey, you’ve been really quiet the whole time and your face looks like you’re trying to figure out the square root of 498.” Julian tapped Joshua’s forehead repeatedly with his index finger. “What’s going on up there?”

He started laughing at the change of expression on Jo’s face. “Gosh, now you look like a deer caught in the headlights.”

Trying to school his face back into neutral features Joshua figured now was as good a time as any so he took the opportunity that was presented to him. “Nothing um… can we talk? Like in private?”

“Huh? Is everything alright?”

“Yes, of course!” Jo tried to assure him but his voice betrayed him with a bit too much sincerity. Fuck. “It’s just…, it’s a bit silly and I don’t want anybody to listen in.” He forced the corners of his mouth to go up which seemed to be a acceptable answer for Julian, at least for now.

“Okay, yeah sure, but can we finish dinner first?” Ju requested, a trace of confusion still lingering on his face.

Jo just nodded his thoughts already returning to how he was going to explain his discomfort to his best friend.

 

When finally everyone was done eating and the dining hall of the hotel was slowly clearing out the two of them got up and quickly found a quiet hallway where they could talk without being interrupted.

“Okay, so what’s wrong? Is it because I made you run two laps with me on your back? I can make up for it. If you want I’ll run three laps while giving you a piggyback tomorrow.” Julian attempted a tentative smile but Joshua could tell that he was trying to brighten up the tense mood and he wasn’t up for any of it.

Seeing that his attempts at a light conversation starter had failed Ju’s smile vanished and he reached out to put his hand on Jo’s shoulder. His voice going soft he spoke again.

“Hey. What’s going- “

“Can you stop touching me?” Joshua couldn’t take it anymore. This was too much. Angrily, he shrugged off Ju’s hand and pushed him out of reach.

“You do it all the time and I don’t… It bothers me, okay?” He tried to swallow down the anger that was suddenly starting to boil up inside him and wanted to crawl out of his mouth.

He wasn’t furious at Julian, not really. He was furious at himself. For mulling over every interaction they’ve had, turning them over and over again, getting his hopes up and at the same time trying to drown them. For letting himself get tangled up in this mess. For not having planned this conversation more thoroughly. For blaming Julian right now. And for falling in love with him in the first place.

“Jo, I don’t understand! What’s gotten into you?” Julian appeared to be distraught by now and desperation was lacing his voice. Good.

Joshua wasn’t treating him fairly and he knew it but in that moment he just didn’t care. Months of frustration had been building up inside him and right now he couldn’t hold it back anymore.

“I just don’t get it, Ju! You’re constantly touching me, hugging me, trying to get into my personal space. Why are you doing this?” His insides recoiled from what he was about to say.

“Are you gay? Because if so, I’m sorry to inform you but I’m not interested!” What a lie.

Julian’s face dropped. A hint of shock flickered across his face but it only took him a second to regain control of his features and turn them into an expression of irritation.

“No, Joshua, I’m not gay! I actually was just trying to be nice to you because I was happy to see you again because, you know, I thought we were best friends! But apparently that’s too much for you. I thought you valued our friendship but it looks like you can’t handle it when I show you some kindness! You know what? Why don’t you go back to your Bayern squad if they meet your expectations of a hollow friendship better than I do? Maybe they’ll leave you alone so you don’t have to interact with anyone and can continue living a lonely life!” Julian was almost seething with rage.

But so was Joshua. Afraid he’d do something he’d regret later Joshua shoved Julian aside to walk past him.

“Fuck you!” was all he said before he left.

After having abandoned Julian in that secluded hallway he realized that he didn’t know where to go. He was standing in the hotel lobby his hands still clenched into fists he hadn’t noticed before. How could he have let this conversation go out of control so quickly? All of a sudden a vast tiredness took over him so he just walked back to his and Julian’s room, hoping the other one wouldn’t follow – or worse – already be there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This actually wasn't supposed to turn into a multi-chaptered fic but do not worry my children, I'm already planning the second chapter.  
> Kudos and comments are always welcome and greatly appreciated.


	2. Wenn Worte meine Sprache wären

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This was a dumb idea. In fact, this was probably the dumbest idea his friends had ever had. And he was even dumber for asking them for help and accepting it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is. It's kind of a filler chapter but I promise the next one will have more action.  
> Shoutout to [JustpInk](http://archiveofourown.org/users/JustpInk) for helping me :)

This was a dumb idea. In fact, this was probably the dumbest idea his friends had ever had. And he was even dumber for asking them for help _and_ accepting it. Fuck! What had he done? Of course he had noticed how Joshua always tensed up whenever he touched him or even just got near him. How his whole body went rigid and how he always seemed to feel uncomfortable whenever Ju was around. But he had brushed it off and ignored it. And now this was what he had gotten.

 

After Joshua had rushed off Julian had been left standing in the narrow corridor, his gaze following the other boy as he turned the corner. At first he was afraid he might break down right then and there but he was somehow able to pull himself together. Now he was walking down the hallway on the third floor. And he knew exactly where he was heading. He stopped in front of the room with the number 330 and knocked vigorously. A few seconds later Mario opened the door. Julian didn't wait for him to invite him in and instead stormed into the room, not at all surprised to find Marco sprawling on the twin beds that have been shoved together to build a makeshift king-size. Before any of the two could ask him what he was doing in their room at this time he was already standing in the middle of it pointing his index finger accusingly at them.

 “I am never going to take your advice ever again!”

Marco raised his head, his brows knitted together in confusion. “Ju, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Your plan backfired! Your so-called ‘tips’ didn’t do shit! I did everything you guys suggested. Light touches here and there. Keeping close. I tried to be subtle, just like you told me to but he noticed anyway. He fucking noticed what I was doing and instead of explaining it to him I ruined things even more and now I’m screwed!” He started walking back and forth replaying the fight, and what had led to it, over and over again in his head.

A week ago he had approached Mario and Marco hoping to get some help regarding his love life. He wasn’t particularly eager about it but it was his last resort. Thinking back at it now it had been one of the most foolish things he had ever done.

“Ju! Please calm down!” Mario pleaded. Julian stopped pacing and looked at him.

Mario was right. Overthinking the fight and blaming the two of them for what had happened wasn’t going to help him. He sighed and went to sit down on an oversized armchair facing the bed.

“Thank you. Now tell us what happened.”

Julian recounted his day beginning with his and Joshua’s reunion. He told them how Jo had already seemed to be on edge all day but how he still stayed determined to put his plan into action. He told them how Joshua had wanted to talk to him at dinner and how everything had gone to shit after that.

“-and now he doesn’t want to see me ever again.” He buried his face in his hands in desperation and suddenly the realisation hit him. His head jolted up.

“Shit! Can I sleep here tonight? Please, just for one night! I’ll sleep on the floor if I have to but please don’t send me back to our room. I can’t go there right now. He hates me!” He knew he was pathetic and that begging wouldn’t exactly help to preserve his dignity but right now he was willing to fall on his knees in front of his friends just to avoid having to go back to his and Jo’s room.

Mario turned to look at Marco and from the way they were staring at each other they most likely were having one of their silent conversations. After two seconds Marco sighed and said “Alright, you can have one of the beds but only for _one_ night!” He got up and started to push the two beds apart. “And tomorrow you’ll be gone before anyone notices you were here. Sooner or later the others will notice something’s wrong with you and I don’t want them thinking we’re responsible for putting you into this pitiable situation.”

“But you are!”

Marco gave him a warning glare. “Kind of.” Julian added quickly not wanting to test his luck any further.

 

Since they would have to get up quite early the next morning they all went to bed shortly after Ju’s report of events which he was more than fine with. He had had a long day and was ready for it to be over but as soon as he lay down and closed his eyes the only thing he could think about was Jo’s angry and hurt expression when Julian had destroyed their friendship by hurling all of those terrible things at him.

This was going to be a long night.

-

Julian woke up before Marco and Mario did and because he wanted to keep his promise of leaving their room as early as possible he got up hoping he wouldn’t wake his friends and stepped into the hallway. It was still pretty early and everything was perfectly quiet around him.

Because he had nowhere else to go he walked to the elevator to get to the ground floor and sat down on one of the sofas in the empty lobby rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. He hadn’t been sleeping well and he was fairly sure it showed on his face. On top of that he also hadn’t had the time or even the chance to shower this morning and he was still wearing yesterday’s clothes which were now wrinkled because he had slept in them. Slowly the hotel came back to life and it wasn’t long until someone noticed him on their way to breakfast.

“Good morning, Ju! Where’s Jo? Aren’t you two attached at the hip?” Julian slowly raised his head to look at Max. “Holy shit, what happened to you?” Wow, great! Was he really looking that miserable?

 “We had a fight.” He murmured.

“Really? What hap-“

 “Can we not talk about it, please?” His expression must have shown his despair because all Max responded to that was: “Okay! Do you want to join me for breakfast, though? You look like you could use something to eat.”

In that moment Julian was truly grateful to be able to call Max one of his friends. Whenever Julian didn’t feel like talking he just dropped the matter and somehow had the magical ability to distract Julian from whatever was occupying his mind, if only for a while.

Seeing as he really needed something to cheer him up a bit he agreed and got up to follow Max into the breakfast room. They were among the first ones to be there so they chose a table to the right; closest to the buffet for easy access.

While they were eating Julian noticed what a great person Max was to have light conversation with. They talked about the upcoming match and how excited they were to both be in the starting line-up for the first time. Max asked him about the Euro and even though Julian hadn’t gotten the chance to play he told him how wonderful the experience was. And for a few minutes he was able to put Jo and their argument to the back of his mind.

 

When Joshua entered the breakfast room, Thomas to his left and Manu to his right, all of them laughing about something Thomas had just said Julian stopped talking mid-sentence and stared at him. Seeing this cheerful Jo so shortly after their fight and knowing it wasn’t him who had put that smile on his best friend‘s face, made his heart ache. It wasn’t that he disliked his Bavarian teammates and he didn’t really mean what he had screamed in Joshua’s face yesterday but he had been so angry that he couldn’t stop the words form leaving his mouth. He didn’t realise that he was watching Joshua until suddenly, he looked in his direction. Their eyes met and Joshua’s expression turned grim almost immediately before he quickly teared away his gaze and proceeded to sit at a table on the other side of the room.

Max leaned over and lowered his voice. “What the fuck did you do to deserve that murder look?”

Julian groaned. “Let’s just say I fucked up big time.”

-

After breakfast Julian waited as long as he could to make sure he wouldn’t encounter Joshua in their room before he retrieved his training wear. He came dangerously close to running late for morning practice but he managed to get his stuff, run to the locker rooms and change in record time.

On the pitch he kept mostly to himself. Max was right by his side, somehow sensing that he needed the support, but never pressured him to talk. Julian tried to avoid making eye contact with Joshua but he couldn’t refrain from catching a few glimpses of the older boy from time to time. Joshua, however, seemed to be ignoring him completely which felt like a slap to the face. How was he going to fix this mess?

Half an hour into training Jogi decided to let them play four vs four. Now, that wouldn’t have been a problem at all if Jo hadn’t ended up being on the other team. At first, everything started out somewhat friendly as their teammates engaged in light banter among themselves. But evading direct contact with Joshua wasn’t an option anymore since they played on opposing positions and had to face each other during tackles in order to win the ball. Honestly, had the universe decided to punish him for all of his sins at once? He knew it was only a matter of time until something was bound to happen.

Nevertheless, he tried as best as he could to pay no attention to Jo’s presence and instead focused on the ball and his fellow players. He provided passes for Mesut and Mario and together with Jonas, he was able to outplay Marco, who was on Joshua’s team, more than once. But when Mario played a back pass meant for him Joshua appeared out of nowhere and intercepted it. This fucker. Julian ran after the other boy, keen on winning the ball back for his team. But Jo was fast. Seeing no other option, he slid feet first into Joshua’s path which caused both of them to lose their balance. They toppled over and in an instant Joshua was leaning over him snarling in his face.

“What is your problem, huh?” Julian could feel Jo’s ragged breathing on his face and fuck! This whole situation was so close to one of his fantasies coming true and yet so far away from it. “I told you to leave me alone!”

Ju’s initial feeling of shock gave way to one of irritation. He’s had it! Why should he be to one to feel sorry and miserable when Joshua was clearly the one who behaved irrationally and intolerantly? Julian had spent the whole night and morning blaming himself but Joshua wasn’t the only one who had gotten hurt yesterday. His words had struck Ju, too. Getting so inexplicably angry and saying that Julian bothered him, almost like he was disgusted by him, had left its mark on him. And he’s had enough of feeling guilty!

He shoved Joshua off of himself and stood up. “What’s _my_ problem? You’re the one who acts all weird and insane!”

Joshua scrambled to his feet as well but before they could get at it again Marco grabbed Julian’s shoulder and held him back.

“Hey! That’s enough!” Directing his gaze at Julian he continued. “What the hell was that? You know we’re at training, do you? What you did just there could’ve easily injured Jo! You can pull out these moves tomorrow but not here!”

Julian could feel the whole team staring at them, probably wondering what was going on. Shrugging off Marco’s hand he walked away without a word.

-

Standing on the pitch Mario watched Julian disappear in the locker rooms before turning back towards Marco. He raised one eyebrow in question and the other responded by giving him a small nod. This was worse than they had expected. They had to do something. After all, their ‘flirting tips’ had caused this whole chaos in the first place.

To be fair, they never would’ve given Julian their advice if they hadn’t been absolutely sure that Joshua was just as in love with Julian as he was with him. But this whole thing was ridiculous! Seriously, how did these two not notice that their crushes were mutual? And how come they weren’t able to fix this and instead made it even worse? Had they ever heard of talking things out?

What a mess!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I'll be able to update next week because hell week is upon me so please have mercy :D
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are highly appreciated :)


	3. Erkläre mir die Liebe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Either way, Joshua felt he had every right to be pissed off which is why he chose to ignore Julian for as long as possible. He knew he couldn’t avoid him forever but he had at least until tonight if not longer depending on whether Julian would choose to sleep in his own bed or not."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaahhhhh this took me forever!!! I'm so sorry for haivng you all wait for this but here it is!  
> Once again a massive thank you to [JustpInk](http://archiveofourown.org/users/JustpInk/pseuds/JustpInk) for suggesting improvements :*
> 
> I also wrote a [short prequel one shot](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8172007) for those of you who want to read about Ju asking Mario and Marco for help. I'd recommend reading that after reading Chapter 2 even though it happened before the entirety of Closer.

Joshua’s day had started out pretty well. Julian hadn’t shown up after their fight and when Joshua had woken up the next morning Julian’s bed looked as untouched as it had the night before. He didn’t know where Julian had spent the night and he honestly didn’t care. The longer he didn’t have to see the other’s face, the better.

Last night Julian had crushed any hope that had been left inside of Joshua, which admittedly hadn’t been much, in only a few sentences. Jo knew that he had been foolish for believing this conversation could have gone anywhere but in the wrong direction but witnessing Julian getting so worked up about being called gay had been awful. He never would have thought his best friend to have such a fragile sense of masculinity. As if being gay was something to be ashamed of. But what had he expected? Hadn’t he asked that question because he knew Julian would react in this way? Because he had _wanted_ him to react in this way?

It was true. Joshua had wanted to provoke Julian but that didn’t mean that Ju hadn’t really meant what he had said. His remarks and emotions had still been true. He really thought that Joshua’s friendships with his Bayern team mates were nothing but shallow and fake and that he had been his only real friend. He really thought that Joshua was lonely and miserable as soon as Julian wasn’t around. As if Joshua was incapable of making friends with anyone else besides him. As if Bayern didn’t know what team spirit and trust were. As if Joshua’s world only revolved around Julian.

Yes, he thought about Ju a lot but that’s normal when you have a crush. However, that didn’t mean Joshua had no one and nothing else bringing joy to his life. Maybe Julian was jealous of how well the Bayern squad got along with one another. Or maybe he thought Joshua should be more grateful that Julian had decided to be his friend at all.

Either way, Joshua felt he had every right to be pissed off which is why he chose to ignore Julian for as long as possible. He knew he couldn’t avoid him forever but he had at least until tonight if not longer depending on whether Julian would choose to sleep in his own bed or not.

At breakfast he had seen Julian and Max talking eagerly to each other and when Ju had stared at him, a hint of regret in his eyes, he had put on his best ‘you’re-dead-to-me’ look. Julian had looked wretched and maybe Joshua wasn’t fair towards him but he wanted to let him know that what he had done wasn’t going to be forgiven anytime soon. Joshua might have been the one who overreacted and started their argument but Julian had been the one to make it escalate into… this.

-

At morning practise Joshua had continued to act like Ju didn’t exists but then he had tackled him so violently and Joshua simply couldn’t keep ignoring him anymore. Julian had made his temper rise once again but this time it wasn’t just because he had hurt him emotionally; he had actually harmed him physically. It wasn’t bad but it could’ve been and Ju’s complete disregard for his health did astonish him quite a bit. Even if he only did it because of their fight, Julian had to know that causing Joshua a serious injury would have exceeded private matters and that Jogi would have killed him for compromising the team. Before, Joshua had thought that maybe Julian was regretting what he had said but his reaction told a different story. Apparently he was still as mad as Joshua.

The problem was that now that he had fled the scene, Joshua was the one who was left standing on the pitch and had to deal with everyone staring at him in bewilderment. Still agitated from his hassle with Julian and absolutely not in the mood for explanations, he snapped.

“What are you looking at? This is none of your business!”

Fortunately, his team mates decided to stay out of it and resumed their training without any comment; only Mario and Marco kept looking at him as if he was a riddle they were struggling to solve.

“What? Don’t look at me like that! It’s all his fault!”

It wasn’t all Julian’s fault but it felt good to hone his anger. He’d rather be angry than sad right now. It was a defence mechanism to suppress his thoughts from constantly revolving around his broken heart, he knew that, but maybe this would help him get over Julian faster. He couldn’t allow himself to think about what had been ruined or else he would be a sobbing mess.

-

After Julian had left Joshua didn’t see him until their final training session in the afternoon. He hadn’t returned to complete their morning practise and had also skipped lunch. As far as Joshua could tell Mario hadn’t made an appearance either. Ju had probably vented to him about everything that had been going on and Mario had probably backed him up and agreed that Joshua was to blame for everything. Joshua really didn’t want this whole thing to turn into a Bayern versus Dortmund feud because this was a thing between the two of them and no one else. But Julian didn’t seem to have a problem dragging some of his team mates into this and if Jo was honest, he too found himself seeking mostly Manu’s, Thomas’s and the rest of his team’s company.

At afternoon training this shift of dynamics was most prominent. They both still talked to everyone and of course the others all chatted with each other but because Joshua stuck to his Bayern squad and Julian stuck to his Dortmund squad both teams didn’t interact quite as much. In fact, both teams were exercising on opposite sides of the training ground, as if they were all unconsciously sensing an underlying tension. It was a subtle change and Joshua doubted anyone else was even fully aware of it but it still felt weird. Thankfully, Jogi did not make them team up again, which would have allowed some mixing between teams, and instead decided to just let them run a few laps and do some stretching exercises.

The separation even lasted throughout dinner. If you paid attention you could clearly detect a Bayern table, a Dortmund table and a few that Joshua simply dubbed miscellaneous. It was strange but also interesting to see that a conflict between two people could affect the whole group dynamics.

Joshua was eating in silence, content with watching everyone, when Manu elbowed him.

“Hey, you wanna join us for a round of Schafkopf after dinner? We could use a fourth player. You know ever since Fips left we’ve been looking for an adequate replacement and Boa just isn’t fun at all.”

Joshua looked at him in surprise. “Um, I don’t even know the rules and everything.”

“Ah, don’t worry, we’ll teach you.” Manu gave him a reassuring slap on the back and smiled at him expectantly. “So?”

“Okay, yeah sure.” Jo returned his smile. Maybe that would take his mind off things for a while.

-

When he returned to his room afterwards Julian was already there. They didn’t speak and the tension between them was the most awkward thing Joshua had ever experienced. They both didn’t know how to behave as they had never been in this situation with each other before. How do you deal with someone that had been your best friend only a day ago and was now acting like a stranger?

Gladly, Julian had done most of his evening routine while Joshua was still gone so they didn’t get in each other’s way. When Joshua came out of the bathroom the light was already turned off. Julian was lying in his bed sleeping, or at least pretending to sleep, and having nothing else left to do Joshua decided to go to bed as well.

But no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t fall asleep. Usually they would stay up some more and talk like they always did. Last night he was too angry to miss this but now, with Julian being right there just a few feet away from him, he realised how much of a routine it had become for them. Even if they didn’t see each other for weeks, they still texted or called every day. This was the first time in months, with the exception of last night, that they had gone to sleep without exchanging a single word. And it hurt.

-

The next morning Joshua woke up to the first rays of sunshine of the day. He reached for his phone to check the time. On match days Jogi always made the whole team get up at an ungodly hour so they could get started on their pre-match warm-up but Joshua still had half an hour left before his alarm clock was supposed to ring. He could get up now and be ready to go before Julian would even wake up. Or he could just stay in bed for a few more minutes.

He rolled over and saw Julian curled up with his blanket, still fast asleep. The sunlight that filtered through the curtains illuminated his face and he looked so relaxed and breathtakingly beautiful that Joshua couldn’t look away. He had never had the opportunity to examine Ju’s features for this long and he couldn’t stop taking in every little detail of him. His hair stuck up in every direction, his long lashes rested upon his cheeks and the curve of his lips made Joshua want to kiss him very, very badly. Everything about him was just perfect and Jo wouldn’t have minded watching him like this for ages.

Suddenly Joshua’s alarm went off and ripped him out of his daze. He quickly grabbed his phone and turned it off before he reluctantly got up. Julian didn’t stir and just kept on sleeping. Joshua contemplated letting him oversleep but he decided against it since a sleepy player would affect the whole team tonight. Instead, he threw one of his pillows at Julian’s head.

“Get up or you’re going to be late.”

Without waiting for a response he locked himself in the bathroom and started to get ready.

When he emerged a few minutes later Julian had also gotten out of bed and was currently getting changed. Mustering all of his self-control, Joshua forced himself not to stare at his abs.

Not looking at him Julian muttered “Thanks for waking me up.” before walking past Joshua to enter the bathroom and shutting the door behind him.

Joshua didn’t stick around and just made his way to breakfast.

_You’re welcome._

-

After warming up the whole morning and afternoon the team got on the bus to the stadium. They were all pretty excited, especially the younger players. Joshua had already been in the starting eleven during the European Championship but for a lot of the others today was the first time.

Julian had once asked him how it felt to walk out onto the pitch representing your country right from the beginning. Joshua had laughed at that because they both had started for the U19 and U21 multiple times so he should know but he insisted that it had to be different. And he was right, it was different. It was bigger and better and the most amazing feeling ever. But back then Joshua hadn’t wanted to spoil that experience for him.

Now he was sitting next to Mats, only half listening to what he was saying, while watching Julian, Max, Juli and Niklas talking excitedly to each other. He wished so much that he could join them and share their anticipation. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Mats but right now was the time to be with his junior team mates and be all excited and happy for them. They had all looked forward to the day that they would start for the national team and today would finally be that day. And all Joshua felt was exhaustion.

“Hey, are you even listening to me?”

Startled, Joshua looked at Mats. “What?”

Nodding his head towards the group of people Joshua had just observed he repeated himself.

“I said: they all look pretty thrilled to be starting today. Shouldn’t you be with them?”

“Yeah uh, well it’s not the first time for me so I can’t really contribute to the conversation, you know?” He cringed at this pathetic attempt of an excuse.

“Okay…”

Mats must’ve witnessed yesterday’s incident and put two and two together, so fortunately, he let it pass with nothing more but a curious side glance before changing the topic.

“So what do you think? How many goals are we gonna score tonight?” He started grinning. “I think seven is reasonable.”

-

Five minutes before kick-off they walked out onto the field and positioned themselves next to one another amid a hurricane of applause. The DFB fan club on the northern stands was holding up a giant white jersey and when the national anthem began to play and the whole stadium roared. Joshua could feel the blood rushing through his body and his heart started beating faster. He took in the ranks full of people cheering for their country, for their team, for him and he savoured every second of it. He was ready. He couldn’t wait to finally play again. Then he heard the sound of the whistle and the match began.

They dominated the game right from the beginning. Granted, Ireland wasn’t that tough of an opponent but it still felt good to be in control and have free play. Jogi had put him in the position of the right-back once again but he still tried to be involved in offensive actions as much as possible.

Sixteen minutes into the first half Mesut netted his free kick straight into the goal, giving their opponents no chance at defending.

After that the Irish changed their line-up to an 8-1-1 one and basically retreated into defence mode. Nevertheless, the Germans kept on pushing forward and about twenty minutes after Mesut’s goal they got a corner, which was of course executed by Toni. Unfortunately, his cross was deflected by one of the opposing defenders but Niklas secured the ball. He quickly passed to Mesut who immediately passed to Joshua. Jo, seeing that no one had payed attention to him, had a clear view on the goal and took his chance. And just like that he scored his first international goal. Thomas was the first one to crash into him but at least four more of his team mates followed and almost buried him under the weight of their bodies. Joshua could barely understand the announcer but thousands of people shouting his last name was all he needed to hear.

During the second half it got even harder to crack the Irish wall but Marco managed to score a last minute goal due to an amazing counter so that in the end they won 3:0. Not exactly seven but still an outstanding performance, as Mats had framed it afterwards.

-

After they had won their first match everyone was in good spirits. Joshua was still high on euphoria. He had scored! And even though it had just been a friendly he eagerly agreed to the after match celebration that some of his team mates suggested.

Because they couldn’t let anyone know they were going to have a party (not even God himself could help them if Jogi found out) Marco and Mario offered to host it in their room. Therefore, once everyone had finished dinner and the hotel had gotten quiet the whole team began to slowly make its way over to their place.

When Joshua arrived there was already a good amount of people present so he just decided to join his Bayern team mates at one corner of the room, who greeted him exuberantly.

“There he is! Our golden boy!” Thomas yelled and swung his arm around Joshua’s shoulders. “Here, take this! You deserve it!”

Somehow someone managed to smuggle in alcohol which was now thrust into his hands with such vehemence that he didn’t dare decline it. “Uh, thanks.”

He took a sip and grimaced. It tasted horrible. Pure vodka had never been one of his favourites but he didn’t want to be rude so he held onto the plastic cup.

He started to engage in conversation, mainly because everyone came over to congratulate him on his first goal for the national team, and they talked about how amazing the match was and how they couldn’t wait for the World Cup qualifier on Saturday. Slowly but surely, Joshua began to really enjoy himself.

A few minutes later, however, his joyousness threatened to take a downturn when Julian walked into the room, a bright smile grazing his face. In his elation he had completely forgotten about Ju but now everything came rushing back to him.

No! He wasn’t going to let anything, not even Julian’s presence, ruin his good mood right now. He would just not pay any attention to him; that’s it!

But that was easier said than done, especially because Julian looked fucking amazing tonight. He wore a simple close-fitting white tee that complimented his toned body and his sweats were hanging low on his hips. Joshua had difficulties tearing his eyes away from him. As much as he disliked Ju at the moment he couldn’t deny that his attraction to him hadn’t faded one bit. Dammit!

And if that wasn’t enough already this bastard also decided to be the happiest motherfucker at this whole party. He was immediately surrounded by people and Joshua watched him talking to André who gave Julian something to drink of which he promptly took a big gulp. Then Jules joined their conversation and they both started laughing at whatever he had said. Joshua took another sip of his vodka.

-

Joshua ended up leaving the party earlier than he initially anticipated after he had been sulking for at least an hour. He would have stayed longer but seeing Julian so happy and free of worries, basically forgetting they had ever been friends, wasn’t something he wanted to put himself through any longer. He had already consumed enough of that atrocious vodka because of Ju and he didn’t want to wake up with a headache the next morning so he quietly made his way towards the door and walked to his room hoping his absence wouldn’t be noticed too soon. He was thankful for the silence that welcomed him there and he slowly began getting ready for bed.

He had just finished brushing his teeth and was standing in the bathroom when he heard the quiet beep of the key card and the click of the door being opened.

“Joshua?”

Oh great! Apparently his disappearance hadn’t been as sly as he had hoped. He didn’t feel like making himself noticed so he said nothing and just waited for Julian to give up and leave again. But Julian had other plans.

“Jo please, I know you’re here.” His words came out slightly slurred. Joshua really didn’t want to deal with Julian right now, not to mention a drunk Julian. But Ju seemed determined and what options did Joshua have? He would have to come out of the bathroom eventually.

He stepped into the bedroom and spotted Julian leaning against the wall for support. How much had he had to drink?

“What is it?” Joshua tried to keep his voice indifferent but really he was just very tired.

“I need to talk to you.”

Jo sighed. “What is there to talk about?”

“Jooo! I can’t do this anymore! I hate this whole situation we’re in! This whole fight was dumb and we both said stupid, hurtful things and I’m sorry I hurt you. Please! Can’t we just forget about it?” Julian’s drunken state seemed to make him into a desperate babbling mess and Joshua was pretty sure he wouldn’t remember half of what he was saying right now.

“From what I have seen, you actually appeared to be quite happy without me. Why are you bothering me instead of partying with Jules and Max and whoever else is worthy of your friendship?”

For him, this conversation was over but as he turned his back to go back into the bathroom and finish getting ready for bed, Julian spoke again, so softly that Jo almost didn’t hear it.

“I miss you.”

Joshua stopped in his tracks. His heart beat like crazy for the second time that day. With just three words Julian had reignited that little spark of hope inside of Joshua and he hated him for it.

Truth was he missed Julian, too. Yes, his affection had bothered Jo but now that they had been ignoring each other for days he realised that not having Julian by his side was even worse. He had hoped that their fight would let him get over his crush on Julian but it only made his heart ache more. After all this drama all he really wanted to do was to forgive Julian but he just couldn’t give in that easily.

He took a deep breath, bracing himself for what he was about to say, before facing Julian again.

“Ju, you tackled me without caring one bit whether I’d get injured and basically said that I’m incapable of maintaining friendships. I can’t just forget that. Would you please leave me alone now?”

Joshua was about to turn away again but Julian caught his arm and pulled him back, closer towards him.

“Tell me what I need to do to make this right again. Tell me your problem and I will fix it.”

_The problem is that I’m in love with you but that’s unfixable,_ Joshua thought.

They were standing so, so close now, Julian still holding on to him, their breaths mingling as Joshua looked up into those irresistible puppy eyes that looked so genuinely sorry and Joshua might not have drunken as much as Ju but he still felt tipsy and before he knew what he was doing he pressed his lips on Julian’s.

He immediately backed off, horrified by his own actions and saw Julian’s stunned expression, eyes wide open from shock.

“I- I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

He left the room in haste and ran through the hallway. Shit! He really shouldn’t have done that! He just destroyed every attempt at mending their friendship and Julian was going to freak out even more now. What had he been thinking? Nothing! That’s what! This complicated things on so many levels and just imagining what Julian would do the next time they’d see each other made him want to curl up and die.

But the worst thing was that he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He couldn’t stop thinking about the taste of alcohol that had lingered on Julian’s lips. He couldn’t stop thinking about how soft they had felt against his own. He couldn’t stop thinking about wanting to do it again. Why did his life have to be such a train wreck?

-

He didn’t know why he had chosen to sit down in the middle of the hallway but suddenly his thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice.

“Jo, what are you doing here?”

Joshua looked up into Marco’s face. “I …” He was at a loss for words. How could he possibly explain his situation?

Marco crouched down in front of him. “Is it about Ju?”

His expression carried such empathy that Joshua didn’t even wonder how he knew. It was as if Marco could look directly into his soul and just understood what was going on in there.

“I- I kissed him.”

As tough he was expecting this response Marco nodded sympathetically and asked softly “Do you love him?”

Jo only managed a small nod but he couldn’t hold back the tears from rolling down his cheeks anymore. On one hand he was relieved to finally have confessed it to someone but one the other hand he felt so miserable and hopeless that crying felt like the only option right now.

“I think you should tell him, then.” Marco said with an encouraging smile. Joshua looked at him in shock. There was no way he was going to go back in there and declare his undying love for Julian. Not after what had just happened. But Marco backtracked quickly. “Not today! You’ll need a good night’s sleep first. I suppose Julian is in your room?”

“Yeah.” Jo croaked wiping his tears away with his sleeve. “But I really don’t want-”

“I know. Come on, you can sleep over at our place for the night.” He grasped Joshua’s hands and pulled him up to his feet.

Joshua tried to object. “But the party…” He really didn’t want everyone to see that he was crying and start asking him what was wrong. Just because he admitted his feelings for Julian to Marco didn’t mean he wanted to tell everybody else.

“Don’t worry. I’ll tell Mario to kick out the others.” While steering Joshua towards the elevator he pulled put his phone and quickly typed in a short message. “Now let’s give him some time to get them out.”

“Where are we going?”

“Out of the way. And to the kitchens where I was actually heading to before I came across a certain emotional mess in the hallway.” Joshua didn’t acknowledge that with a response. He knew that Marco was trying to cheer him up but he doubted anyone could accomplish that right now.

“And why are we going to the kitchens?”

“Well, originally I wanted to get more alcohol but now we’re getting you some comfort food.”

“What? How would you even get into the kitchens? Isn’t the door locked or something?”

Marco just smirked. “I have connections.”

Joshua was utterly confused but decided to not interrogate Marco any further. He had enough to worry about already and if he was honest, he wasn’t going to say no to ‘comfort food’ as Marco had put it. He definitely needed it after what had happened today.

When they arrived at the kitchens a waiter was already waiting for them outside the doors with multiple bottles of various alcoholic beverages standing by his feet.

Marco greeted him instantly. “Hi Nico, I know I said we needed more alcohol but scratch that! Can you get us some ice cream, instead?”

“Of course!” When he had disappeared behind the kitchen doors Joshua lowered his voice to whisper. “How the hell are you on first-name basis with the hotel staff?”

“Like I said, I have connections.”

Joshua shook his head incredulously. What was wrong with Marco? He supposed it wasn’t the first time the Mannschaft had booked this exact hotel but there was no way Marco had been here often enough to get to know the people who worked at this place. But before he could continue to ask more questions Nico returned carrying four buckets of chocolate ice cream and some spoons.

“Will these suffice for now?”

Marco beamed at him. “Yes, thank you very much.” He took two of the buckets and gave them to Joshua before taking the other two. “I owe you!” And with that they made their way back.

-

A few minutes later they knocked on Marco and Mario’s door and when Mario opened it, they found the room to actually be deserted, much to Joshua’s surprise.

“There you are! Quick, get in before anyone sees you.”

They stepped in and Mario closed the door behind them.

Marco turned around to face him. “What did you tell them?”

“I said that you saw Jogi wandering around the corridors and making control visits and that they all needed to go back to their rooms immediately. You should’ve seen them! The room cleared out within seconds.” Mario grinned proudly.

“You’re a genius, Sunny.” Marco went over to him and… _kissed him_? What the fuck? Joshua couldn’t believe his eyes.

“Uh erm…” Joshua cleared his throat awkwardly. “I didn’t know you two were… um…”

“What? A couple?” Mario raised one brow. “Don’t tell me you didn’t notice. It’s not exactly a secret.”

Joshua just stared at them feeling utterly perplexed. How had he not noticed this? Was his mind so preoccupied with Julian that he completely overlooked everyone and everything else?

“Well it’s not exactly obvious, either!”

When they didn’t answer and just continued to look at him as if he was totally out of the loop, his suspicion grew. “Wait, who _does_ know about this thing you have going on?”

“Basically everyone at Dortmund and most of the ‘seniors’ of our national team. And it’s not just a ‘thing’!”

Joshua’s brain short-circuited. Everyone at Dortmund? Almost every one of the national team? This couldn’t be. If the whole team knew and no one was batting an eye at it that meant that no one had a problem with one of their team mates being gay. His worries about anyone being homophobic were totally unnecessary.

“I… You… They all know and just don’t care?” He had to sit down on one of the beds to process all of this.

“Uh yeah, they’re all pretty chill about it, actually. I guess they all knew something was going on even before we realised it ourselves.” Mario answered. “This is not about us, though, is it?”

Joshua shook his head. Mario took one of the ice cream buckets out of Joshua’s hands and exchanged it for one of the spoons Marco was still holding.

“Here, now tell us what’s going on!”

Joshua opened the ice cream and dug into it. After a few spoonfuls he finally worked up the courage to say it.

“I’m gay.” He had never said it out loud and doing it now felt like a weight being lifted off his shoulders.

Mario gave him a small nod. “Welcome to the club. Now what’s the problem?”

“I’m in love with Ju.”

“Alright, getting a bit more complicated but still nothing to-“

“And I kissed him.”

“What? How did that happen?” Mario’s eyes widened.

“I don’t know!” Joshua groaned. “I suppose you realised that we’re not exactly on speaking terms right now.” They both shot meaningful glances at each other and Mario nodded.

“Ju told us what happened. He also mentioned that you started to get irritated by him seemingly out of nowhere.”

“Yeah,… it all just got too much for me.  It’s such a stupid reason! I can’t believe I actually ruined our friendship just because I couldn’t handle Ju’s proximity.”

This whole time he had been trying to persuade himself that this hadn’t been his fault. That he had nothing to regret. But that wasn’t true. He knew that he had started it, that if it weren’t for his damn stubbornness things could’ve been solved way quicker and wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand. If he just had accepted Julian’s apology, everything would be fine again. Instead he fucked it up even more.

He pressed the balls of his hands on his eyes to stop himself form crying again and exhaled shakily. “Oh God… you must think I’m the biggest asshole on this planet.”

Mario put a soothing hand on his shoulder, rubbing it lightly. “Hey, you don’t need to explain yourself to us right now. Why don’t you just start with what happened tonight?”

Joshua swallowed down the lump in his throat and began talking again.

“Well, after I left your party I went to our room to go to bed and suddenly Ju was there. He was drunk and started babbling and rambling about how he was sorry and wanted to go back to being best friends. I didn’t want to give in because he had really hurt me, you know? But he looked so sincerely sorry and I think my brain just shut down. But honestly, have you seen how hot he looked tonight? I’m so screwed!”

“Well that’s quite a mess you’ve gotten yourself into.”

“Thanks, I know that myself. But what am I gonna do now?”

“Well, seeing that Ju didn’t come after you right away indicates that he’s not that mad. I’d say we go to sleep and see what happens tomorrow.”

“Are you really expecting me to sleep right now?” Joshua looked at them in disbelief.

Before Mario could answer, Marco chimed in. “Look, Joshua, what are we supposed to do right now? This is something that can’t be fixed within a few minutes. You two need to work this out in private and you being too afraid to face Julian and him being fucking wasted aren’t the best of conditions for that. I understand that you feel too restless to even think about sleeping but you have no other option.”

They were right. He couldn’t do anything in his current state, not to mention Julian’s current state. He dreaded even thinking about the next day but right now all he could do was hope for the best.

He let out a sigh. “Alright. Thank you for letting me sleep here, by the way. What would I do without you?”

Mario smirked. “I’d say you’d get yourself in trouble but you somehow manage to do that even during our presence.”

“Shut up!” Joshua threw a pillow at him but he started smiling, too. He had to admit that this whole situation was totally absurd. How had a simple crush ended up like this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you think; comments and kudos keep me motivated :)


	4. Schöner Scherbenhaufen, perfektes Desaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He rolled over only to find Joshua’s bed empty and untouched; his brain, however, needed a few seconds to register this information. Then he jolted up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow I find it harder to write Ju's POV than Jo's so idek what this is. Hope you like it, tho.

Julian woke up with a headache unlike any other he had ever had. He knew that he overdid it with his alcohol consumption yesterday but he didn’t expect to actually have a mental blackout the next morning. All he could remember from last night was attending the after match party and getting drunk as fuck. Everything after that is either a hazy memory or completely gone. Seemed like he didn’t have as high of a tolerance as he had thought. Well, at least they all had the day off today so he wouldn’t get into _that_ much trouble.

He rolled over only to find Joshua’s bed empty and untouched; his brain, however, needed a few seconds to register this information. Then he jolted up.

“Ah fuck!” He immediately sank back down again as the pain and nausea slowly subsided.

Why was Joshua gone? Logically speaking, he could’ve just gotten up before him but Julian was familiar enough with Joshua’s sleep pattern and he knew that he’d never get up early on their free day. And he also wouldn’t have made his bed.

So what had he done? He couldn’t remember anything but Joshua not having spent the night in his own bed indicated that something major had happened. And Julian had a feeling it was at least partially his fault. Fuck! He took one of his pillows and put it over his head before screaming into it in frustration.

He didn’t know why he had drunken so much but if he was honest with himself it was probably because of Joshua. He had just scored his first goal for the national team and Ju couldn’t even celebrate with him because of this stupid fight they had going on. This whole thing was getting messier with each passing day.

Still lying in his bed he tried to trace back the previous evening. After their win and their return to the hotel Mario had suggested a party to celebrate. Everyone except Julian had been on board immediately. He had been uncertain if he would’ve been in the right mood for it but in the end he had decided that he deserved a bit of fun, too.

When he had turned up almost everyone had already been there, overcrowding the room. He recalled accepting the drink André had given him and chatting with some of his team mates. Of course, he had also noticed Joshua in one corner of the room, surrounded by the rest of the Bayern squad who all had congratulated him on his goal. Julian had contemplated going over to him but in the end all he did was refilling his cup several times. He had lost count after a while and eventually everything faded into blackness.

If only he hadn’t drunk so much! Maybe he would remember what he did to make Joshua not come back to their room. Yes, they were not on good terms at the moment but that hadn’t stopped Jo from sleeping in his own bed the previous nights. Oh God, what if he _did_ go up to him and blurted out something stupid in his drunkenness? Like the fact that he’s had a crush on him for years!

Before he could start to panic Julian forced himself to stay calm and take a deep breath. He shouldn’t always assume the worst. What if Jo’s absence had entirely different and totally mundane reasons? That was possible, wasn’t it? It was time to do some investigating! But first he needed something to get rid of that horrible hangover.

He got up slowly, careful not to cause another wave of nausea to wash over him. He padded over to the bathroom to make himself somewhat presentable to the world and changed into clean clothes. Then he left the room to find Nico and ask him for some painkillers.

Nico was the hotel staff member Mario had introduced him to yesterday when they both had skipped lunch. He had brought their meals to Mario’s room while the rest of the team had been eating in the dining hall. Julian had been confused as to how Mario knew Nico that well but hadn’t questioned him about it. At that moment he had been too distracted by the events of the day to really care. But thinking about it now he realised how weird it was. Who knows hotel staff by first name? He really needed to ask Mario about that. But for now he was just thankful for having gotten to know Nico. It really came in handy considering his current state.

-

After Nico had been so kind to provide him with a ton of painkillers that would last him for at least 3 more hangovers he made his way back. Feeling a bit better already he started to think about how he could get back his memory and find out what had happened last night. Because it didn’t seem like he would remember anything anytime soon he had to figure out a way on how to ask his friends about it without raising any suspicions. His best option was to just talk to Mario and Marco because they knew about everything that had been, and was still, going on. He was already heading towards their room when someone bumped into him on his way to the elevator.

“Sorry, didn’t see you there.” André paused to take a better look at who he ran into. “Oh, Ju! How are you?”

Julian didn’t think long before he took the opportunity that was presented to him. “Fine, I guess. Uh, listen; can I ask you a question?”

André wiggled his eyebrows and smirked. “Depends on the question. What’s up?” He started walking again, causing Julian to follow him.

“I… well, I can’t really remember a lot of what went on yesterday. Can you tell me what happened?”

André stopped dead in his tracks. “Wait a second, how much alcohol did you have?” He studied him curiously.

Julian tried to avoid his gaze. “To be honest, I can’t remember that either.”

It was already embarrassing enough to admit that but the shocked look on André’s face made him even more anxious and uncomfortable.

“Shit! I shouldn’t have given you that drink; I should’ve kept an eye on you. Mario and Marco are gonna kill me! Dammit! If Löw finds out we got you-”

“André!” Julian interrupted his cursing firmly. “Can you please just answer my question?”

“What? Oh yes, sorry. Well, I’m not so sure myself as I had my fair share of drinks, too-“ he gave him a wink “-but the party got cancelled pretty soon, anyway. If I recall correctly though, you left just before that happened. And you arrived pretty late, too so you didn’t stay that long.  An hour maybe?”

“Wait what? Why?”

“Oh, Marco saw Löw wandering the corridors so we all rushed back to our rooms as fast as we could. Wouldn’t wanna get caught, you know.”

Julian shook his head. “That’s not what I meant. Why did I leave early?”

“Uh…” André stopped to think for a few seconds. “You told me you had to go immediately and said something about ‘making things right again’ or something like that. But don’t ask me what that was supposed to mean. You were probably just talking nonsense at that point…”

André kept talking but Julian couldn’t hear him anymore. Making things right again? That could mean a lot of things and none of the possible options that were currently coming to mind sounded like a good idea to be doing while drunk. He had to find out what happened after that!

Julian hadn’t noticed that they had been walking towards the breakfast room but now that they were here he absent-mindedly remembered to thank André for his help, interrupting him once again, before he started looking for Joshua. He needed to tell him he was sorry, for whatever he had done.

He quickly had to realise, however, that Joshua wasn’t here yet, as were nearly all of his teammates. He assumed that most of them were taking advantage of their free day by sleeping in. Only a few people had apparently forgotten to turn off their alarm clocks and were now scattered throughout the room here and there; the rest of the tables were empty.

Julian got some cereal from the buffet, sat down at one of the spare tables with a sigh and ate in silence. André had joined Benni and Mats a few tables down the line and the three of them were now looking at him in confusion but Julian didn’t care. He didn’t want company. He needed some time to think right now.

To be honest, he didn’t know what he would have done if he actually had encountered Jo just now. What was he supposed to say? He had no clue what he would be apologising for. And Joshua probably wasn’t prone to even look in his direction right now so it was probably a good thing he wasn’t here, yet which kept Julian from acting hastily.

But he still had to do something! The feeling of being completely clueless was killing him. He had to have a talk with Mario and Marco. They were the only ones who could help him. But seeing as they weren’t here yet, he decided it could wait. He didn’t want to wake them or interrupt other activities they might be up to. He shuddered at the memory of walking in on one of their intense make out sessions in the BVB locker rooms. No, he did not need to relive that experience.

-

He returned to his room after breakfast to find it unchanged. So Joshua hasn’t returned yet. Where was he? He had to be with someone. Julian could just knock on every single one of his teammate’s door and ask them if they have seen Jo but that’d come off as slightly stalkerish and he wasn’t that desperate, yet.

Even though it was their ‘day off’ Jogi had scheduled a bike tour for today so Julian decided to get ready for that in order to take his mind off Joshua. He really shouldn’t be thinking about him all the time, anyway. Sooner or later he’d reappear. And besides, it’s not like Julian had never avoided Joshua before. In fact, Julian had been the one who had spent the first night over at Marco and Mario’s room so he wouldn’t have to face Jo. Maybe Joshua just had enough and needed a break, too.

An hour later, the whole team had turned up outside the hotel in full biking gear. Julian immediately noticed Joshua; and was taken aback. Contrary to what he had believed, Joshua wasn’t with his Bayern teammates but instead was talking animatedly to Mario and Marco. Oh no! Julian’s alarm bells started ringing in his head. What were these two planning?

 

Throughout the whole bike tour Julian was distracted and couldn’t focus on Max who was unsuccessfully trying to keep up their conversation. He attempted several times to talk to Mario and Marco in private in order to find out what all of this was supposed to mean but that was impossible because Joshua was basically clinging to them. That alone was irritating enough - since when have these three been so close? - but the glances Joshua kept shooting in his direction threw him off even more.

The thing was that, unlike the previous days on which Joshua was pretty much staring daggers at him, it was different now. This time, Jo seemed more wary than angry.

It felt weird and Julian didn't know what to do about it. If Joshua wasn't mad at him anymore then what was he? Because he sure as hell didn't talk to him any more than he did before last night, which meant there was still something keeping him back. But what had caused this sudden change of behaviour?

Julian was stumped. His intention of apologising to Jo had flown out the window when he saw him talking to his Dortmund friends. Before he could even think about talking to him he had to get the whole picture. Julian didn’t think Mario and Marco to be the kind of people to actually spill his secret to Joshua but he wouldn’t put it past them to play matchmaker. And he couldn’t shake the feeling that they were plotting something of that kind…

-

Lunch went by without any interference and after the exertion of the bike tour they all decided they deserved to spend some time at the pool. Julian was already relaxing on one of the deck chairs with Max to his right, enjoying the sun when he heard a familiar laugh. He looked up and saw Joshua, Mario and Marco entering the pool area. And damn, seeing Joshua in nothing but his swimming shorts destroyed any hope of blissful relaxation Julian had had.

Obviously, the sight of half-naked men was nothing new to Julian; he was a football player after all. But he always tried to avoid staring; especially when it came to Joshua. It’d just cause him quite uncomfortable inconveniences that he was rather keen on avoiding.

But right now he couldn’t help it. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen Jo like that, of course, but the recent lack of actually sharing a room like they were supposed to, meant that he had had no time to get used to this sight. He tried his best not to be too obvious and was glad he had brought his shades so no one could see who his eyes were fixating on.

Joshua and his newfound best friends had placed their towels on some deck chairs on the opposite side of the pool and joined some of the others who were already in the water. Julian was pretty sure Joshua had noticed him and was avoiding eye contact like the plague which, in turn, gave him the freedom to look at him as much as he wanted.

After swimming a few laps and splashing around with his friends Joshua got out of the water again. Water was dripping from his hair, down his lightly tanned back and his wet shorts were clinging to his toned thighs and Julian was experiencing a mild crisis. It should honestly be illegal to look so goddamn hot without even trying.

Although he thoroughly enjoyed gawking at Jo, the fact that Mario and Marco were befriending him was unsettling him more and more every second and he was racking his brain thinking about possible reasons for this sudden development. It got to the point where he got so fidgety that Max threw increasingly annoyed glances at him so he came to a decision: It was time to confront Mario and Marco about all of this. But how was he going to do that when Joshua was always around?

Luckily, Julian got his chance a little later when both of them separated from the group after having tanned in the sun for a while and left Jo behind with Manu who had just joined them a few minutes ago.

Seeing his chance Julian excused himself and started following them. They walked through the big glass doors that led to a big spa area and made a left turn towards the dressing rooms. Julian reconsidered his decision, not wanting to think about what he was about to interrupt. Maybe this wasn’t the right time to do this. Who knew what these two were up to?

But if he didn’t do it now, the opportunity would be gone. And besides, he was already trailing them and they hadn’t noticed him yet so he quickly followed them inside before they could get it on.

He slammed the door closed behind him to get their attention. “Okay, what the fuck is going on?”

Mario and Marco both jerked around to look at him with a mixture of shock and surprise. Mario was the first one to recover. “Oh Jesus, Ju! Never do that again!”

Marco who, unlike Mario, had actually picked up on what he had said studied him questioningly. “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t play innocent! You know exactly what I’m talking about! What are you planning?” Julian was increasingly getting annoyed at this whole situation. They both knew something he didn’t and he was determined to find out what it was.

Mario looked at him indignantly. “We’re not planning anything!”

Julian didn’t believe him. They were in on something he wasn’t; he just knew it. “What have you told Jo?”

“Nothing!”

Mario sounded sincere but Julian wasn’t going to let them off the hook that easily. “Then why is he hanging out with you all of a sudden? He’s been latching onto you two all throughout the day!”

Now Marco stepped in, annoyance written all over his face. “You’re asking _us_? Why are you even here shouting at us when you should be talking things out with Joshua after what happened last night?”

“Yeah, if I only knew what did actually happen last night! Because I have no fucking clue!”

They both looked taken aback by that statement. Marco’s expression softened a bit. “What do you mean you have no clue?”

Ju groaned in frustration. “I had too much alcohol, alright? Now would you please be so kind and tell me what I did so I can do something about it?”

Mario and Marco shared a meaningful glance. Why were they acting so mysteriously? Gosh, these silent conversations were starting to get on his nerves but before he could complain Mario spoke again. “Ju, we can’t tell you.”

Julian could feel the anger rising up in him. “What do you mean you can’t tell me? So you know exactly what has been going on but you won’t tell me? What sort of friends are you?”

“We’re really sorry, Ju but this is something between the two of you.” Marco said. “You’ll have to talk to him yourself if-”

“Oh my God! Do you get a kick out of letting me stay in the dark? Is this a fucking game to you? What did I ever do to you to deserve this?” Julian had had enough of this secrecy. What was their fucking problem? Seriously, with friends like these, who needs enemies?

But he wasn’t the only one who had gotten fed up with this conversation, he realised, as Mario raised his voice against him. “Goddammit Julian! Calm down! We didn’t want to mess with your problems in the first place, alright? You were the one to drag us into this! It’s not our problem you’re too dense to solve it! Stop acting so irrational and stop fucking wallowing in self-pity! We’re not here to deal with your problems! We were willing to help you but it’s your own damn fault if you fuck it up so majorly!”

Julian had never seen Mario go off like this before and for a second he was vacillating between slamming the door in their faces and giving in to the emotional chaos that was inside him. Even Mario himself looked shocked by his own outburst of rage.

Julian slowly slid down along the wall until he was sitting on the floor and buried his face in his palms, stifling a sob. He was so exhausted. Everything was too much.

“I- I’m sorry, Ju! I didn’t mean to yell at you like that.” Mario almost whispered, clearly distressed by the reaction he had caused.

Julian shook his head lightly. “No, you’re right. I shouldn’t have overreacted. And it _is_ my fault. This whole thing is my fault.” He swallowed down the lump that was starting to form in his throat and looked at them. “I’m sorry for dragging you into this mess. I understand if you don’t want anything to do with it anymore. You’ve already done more than enough for me, anyways.” Sniffling, he wiped his eyes and started to get up. “I’m just gonna leave you alone now.”

But before he could reach the door handle Marco had grasped his shoulder and turned him around so they faced each other. “Hey, you don’t want go out there looking like the terrible wreck you are right now, do you?”

When Julian just continued to blankly stare at him he pulled him into his arms and hugged him tight. Julian was overwhelmed for a moment and didn’t know how to react. When was the last time someone had hugged him properly? He couldn’t remember. Marco started rubbing his back and slowly, he lifted his arms and hugged him back. After a few seconds Marco pulled back with a small smile.

“Better?”

To Julian’s surprise he actually did feel better. He nodded slightly before he let his gaze drift past Marco and focused on Mario who was standing a few steps away and chewing his lip anxiously; probably still feeling guilty for his fit.

“Mar, it’s fine. In fact, I probably needed to hear that.” Mario looked up at him but still seemed unsure so Julian continued. “And besides, you had every right to get angry at me. I was acting like a child throwing a temper tantrum.”

At that, Mario failed at suppressing a smirk.  “You really were.”

“I know.” Julian grinned back at him but quickly got back to being serious again. “I’m sorry. So we’re back to normal again?”

“Of course.”

Marco nodded approvingly causing Julian to exhale audibly. He was relieved to have resolved this issue as swiftly as it had occurred. He was such an idiot; he compromised his friendship with the both of them, the only people who could really help him with this. And here they were, simply forgiving him. He really didn’t deserve them, considering the way he had treated them.

“Thank you. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

Mario waved his hand dismissively. “Oh, you’re not the first one to tell us that. I’m beginning to think we’re the only ones holding this entire team together.” He laughed.

“I’m glad we could settle this but you do understand that we still can’t tell you what happened, do you, Ju? We don’t want to ruin this. It’s really something that only concerns the two of you.” Marco shot him a serious look.

Ju nodded. “I understand. But... why did he tell _you_ , then?” If this whole thing was so important and personal why didn’t Jo have any restraints about it?

Marco gave him an apologetic smile. “Because we were the ones who found him. He was desperate and in a state of shock and needed someone to talk to. That’s all I’m gonna say. Now man up and find a way to approach him and talk about everything! I promise it won’t go as badly as you think it will. And if it does, you can always come and shout at us for giving bad advice and screwing everything up.”

Julian laughed at the teasing remark. “Yeah, alright.” He still felt nervous, maybe even more nervous than before because what could have driven Jo to the point where he had been in a state of shock? And how could this all not be as bad as he was assuming it to be? But looking at his friends he also felt reassured knowing that they would always be there for him.

When he left the room he considered going back to the pool but decided against it. He did want to talk to Jo but not here, in front of everyone else. As he cast a final glance through the glass front towards his friends who were still enjoying themselves he managed to look directly at Joshua whose eyes widened in horror when he realised that Marco and Mario had followed him. What was going on?

**-**

His talk with Mario and Marco left him on edge for the rest of the day and he was desperately trying to approach Joshua in private. But he didn’t get the chance to do so until he entered their room after having returned from dinner. Joshua was already there, packing his stuff for their departure to Oslo the next day. Julian quietly closed the door behind himself, pausing for a moment to contemplate what to say before finally speaking.

“Jo? Can we talk?”

Joshua’s whole body froze. He didn't respond or even turn around so after a few seconds Julian continued.

“Look, I'm sorry! For whatever I have done.”

Joshua still didn’t move and instead kept looking down at the suitcase on the bed in front of him. After a silence that felt like it lasted hours, Jo asked: “Whatever you have done?”

He sounded strained and Julian wasn’t so sure anymore that this had been a good idea. Marco and Mario had made him believe that he had been overreacting but judging from Joshua’s mood they might have been wrong about that. “Yes, um the thing is that I had so much to drink last night that I don't exactly remember what I did but whatever it was I'm- “

“You don't remember?” Joshua interrupted him, surprise coating his voice.

“No.” Julian was growing tired of having to repeat this particular fact over and over again. “Listen, I know this is awful and also pretty embarrassing to admit but I still want to apologise. Please-“

Julian stopped talking when he noticed Joshua was trembling. A wave of panic hit him. Shit! He should've found out what he did before apologising. This had been a terrible idea. He was making a fool of himself and Joshua was about to explode on him. His palms were starting to feel sweaty so he rubbed them on his pants. He tried to think of a way to calm Joshua down, to maybe steer this conversation into the right direction again.

But then a small snicker escaped Joshua's lips.

And then another.

Was he… _laughing_?

“Erm, Jo? Are you alright?” By now Julian was utterly confused. When had Joshua become so inscrutable? Just a few days ago he had been like an open book for him. Julian could detect even the tiniest shift of emotion. But now it was like he had turned into a riddle that Julian wasn’t able to solve anymore.

Jo didn’t answer him, though he muttered something under his breath that sounded a lot like “These fucking bastards.” It was like he hadn’t even heard Julian’s question and had already forgotten he was there.

Suddenly though, he turned around and fixed him with a stare. “How come Marco and Mario haven’t told you? I’m guessing you asked around, didn’t you?”

Julian sighed. “I did! But they wouldn’t tell me. They said this was something that we needed to talk about in private.” He forced himself to look Joshua in the eye. “Just the two of us.”

Jo raised his brow. “Did they? Well, you know what? I’m actually willing to ignore the fact that you don’t remember and also forgive you for the last couple of days if you promise to never ask me about what happened. I don’t want to hear about it ever again.” He paused. “And I want to apologise for being so aggressive towards you.”

This was so unlike the Joshua he knew. He usually was of the cheerful kind, outgoing and maybe a bit awkward at times. Not so detached, so indifferent, almost calculating in a way. Julian didn’t know what to make of this man that was standing in front of him. One second he was laughing, the next he tried to negotiate with him like their friendship was a business.

Jo still looked at him expectantly. “Deal?”

Truth be told, Julian would’ve actually preferred having this talk and sorting out their issue once and for all but he doubted that insisting on it would make Joshua more cooperative. It would probably just result in even more fighting and he’d had enough of that. On top of that, Joshua was offering him a chance to make up - just like that - and, as much as he wanted to solve the mystery that was last night, this was an opportunity he needed to take so he complied and backed down. Because really, whatever it had been, if Joshua was willing to forgive him, it couldn’t have been that bad, could it?

Yet, he couldn’t let go of thinking about Joshua’s behaviour. On one hand Jo had been quick to accept his apology but on the other hand he had told him that he never wanted to talk about what had happened. What could cause such a reaction?

Julian was still mulling over it when he was already lying in his bed, tossing and turning a hundred times, causing him once again to not sleep well, while Joshua on the other side of the room seemed to be getting a good rest.

-

The team was supposed to leave the hotel at 6am the next morning to catch their 8am flight to Oslo. Luckily, they had their own ‘Die Mannschaft’ plane and weren’t bound to regular flight schedules; otherwise they would’ve had to get up even earlier.

When Julian woke up Joshua was already gone and for a second panic washed over him. Not again! He snatched his phone to check the time and jolted up. 5:37. Shit! Why didn’t Jo wake him?

Suddenly, the bathroom door was thrown open and Joshua came stumbling out, toothbrush in his mouth. He tried to put on a sock with his right hand and to brush his teeth with his left one. “Ju, get up! We overslept! Oh, you’re up. Good.”

Ju darted to the bathroom and got ready in record time. Halfway through his daily hair gel procedure Jo came back in to finish brushing his teeth, having somehow managed to put on both socks and pants. He looked at Julian doing his hair in disbelief. “You serious?”

“What? Not everyone can work the bed hair look like you can.”

Jo just shook his head and spit out the remainders of his toothpaste. “Hurry up! We gotta go!” Then he disappeared into the bedroom again.

Ju looked in the mirror and examined his work. Not his best but it would have to do for now. He ran out of the bathroom and put on whatever clothes he could find first. Thankfully, he had almost finished packing his suitcase the night before so he just shoved the rest of his belongings on top of the carefully folded clothes and shut it close.

Joshua was already waiting by the door. “Ready?”

“Yeah, let’s go!”

They both sprinted down the hallway, taking the stairs two or three at a time and were greeted by the rest of the team waiting in the lobby.

“There they are!” Thomas exclaimed, causing everyone’s head to instantly turn in their direction. Manu came up to them and handed each of them a small bag. “We figured you had overslept so we put aside some breakfast for you.”

Puzzled, Julian accepted his bag. “Thanks.”

“Why didn’t you wake us if you knew we were oversleeping?” Joshua asked.

“Oh, we didn’t want to disturb you.” Thomas chimed in before throwing an arm around him and guiding them towards the hotel exit where the others were gathering.

-

They arrived at the airport half an hour later and even though it was still too early for normal people to function properly there was a crowd of fans waiting for them in the departure hall. The whole team spent some time with them, signing jerseys and taking selfies before proceeding to check in.

Julian boarded the plane and went to sit on his designated seat which, to his delight, turned out to be a window seat. He looked out of it, watching the rain drops racing down, and let his thoughts wander until they got stuck on Jo once again. Even though everything seemed to be back to normal it definitely didn’t feel like it. Their talk yesterday didn’t go according to plan and Julian felt there were still a lot of things left unsaid.

Sighing he put in his headphones and pressed play on his phone, looking forward to escaping from reality for a while. Then he closed his eyes in hopes that he’d be able to get back at least a few hours of sleep.


	5. Herzlich Willkommen, Neuanfang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Maybe it would’ve been easier if Julian had remembered the kiss. Then, there would’ve been no beating around the bush. But Julian had handed him the opportunity to not tell the truth on a silver platter. And now he was cursing himself for taking it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this took way longer than anticipated. But school and seasonal depression didn't exactly make it easier for me... Still hope you enjoy :))

Joshua had been avoiding Julian all day long yesterday. With good reason: He had been afraid of Julian’s reaction to the kiss, of how he might have addressed it, and thus had clung to Mario and Marco, giving Julian no chance to confront him in private. But he couldn’t run away from it forever and in the end, as by some miracle, it had turned out that Ju didn’t remember a single thing. Nothing.

Joshua couldn’t believe his ears at first. He had been so sure that Mario and Marco had told him everything when he saw them leaving that dressing room by the pool yesterday but as it appeared they had kept their word and hadn’t spilled his secret. Instead they let Julian believe that _he_ was the one who had done something stupid, which, thinking about it now, hadn’t been the nicest thing to do either, considering they were his friends, too.

But in that moment Jo had just been so relieved that he had started laughing and then suggested they make a deal to just go back to how it was before and never talk about it again, which admittedly wasn’t the smartest thing to do. But he had never been one to make smart decisions.

As he came to realise now that he was waiting to be checked into the team’s hotel - where he once again shared a room with Julian - and thought about their current situation. What he had done had just made things more complicated and he didn’t feel any better than before. He still was hopelessly in love with his best friend but now it got to a point where everything between them was full of tension and uncertainty. He was not a single step further than he had been ever since the first day he had fallen in love with Julian. Maybe, he even made several steps backwards.

They had ‘come to terms’ with each other, if you could call it that, yesterday night so their fight, or fights, were off the table for now. Except, it still didn’t feel like they were completely back to how they were before. And Joshua hadn’t expected them to be. He knew that there were still a lot of things left unsaid, but in that moment he just hadn’t been able to tell him that he was in love with him.

He had wanted to, really. Knowing that the time would come where Julian would want to have a ‘talk’ he had prepared himself for it. His plan was to clear things up, tell Julian he was sorry and ask him if they could still be friends. But he was a coward and when Julian was standing there, telling him he couldn’t remember anything that had happened Joshua just couldn’t bring himself to say it.

Maybe it would’ve been easier if Julian had remembered the kiss. Then, there would’ve been no beating around the bush. But Julian had handed him the opportunity to not tell the truth on a silver platter. And now he was cursing himself for taking it.

He wasn’t happy with how their talk had turned out and he could tell that Julian wasn’t feeling comfortable with their deal either. He sensed it in his behaviour, felt it in the awkward tension between them that was constantly present. But he tried to justify it by telling himself that it had been necessary in order to fix their friendship.

Because, if he was honest, this ridiculous fight had been tearing him apart and he also wasn't stupid. Of course he had noticed that giving Julian the silent treatment had hurt him as well and his attempts at reconciling had shown Joshua that their friendship still meant something to him, which was why he had decided to give it another try and start over.

And no matter how weird things might be right now he had determined that pulling through was worth it if in the end he’d get back his best friend. Because he’d rather have Julian as a friend than not at all.

That’s what he found out these past couple of days. Not having Julian around was actually worse than dealing with his constant proximity while having a crush on him. How could both being close _and_ keeping his distance feel so unbearable?

Suddenly, a hand waving in front of his face interrupted his thoughts.

“I’ve got our key cards. Are you coming?” Julian asked.

“Yes, sorry.” He grabbed his suitcase and followed him.

They took the elevator to the fourth floor and walked along the hallway until they stopped in front of room no. 402. Joshua opened the door with his card and entered, turning around to Julian.

“Which bed do you want?”

“Uh, you choose, I don’t really care which one.”

Joshua raised his brow sceptically. He didn’t expect that answer. “You sure?”

Julian normally went straight for the bed furthest away from the window so he could be as far away from any potential sunlight coming in through the curtains as possible and he was also usually willing to fight for it.

“Yeah, go ahead.” He dismissed him with a wave of his hand.

“Alright, as you wish.” Joshua put his suitcase on one of the beds and opened it to start unpacking.

Julian followed suit and when Joshua had finished he sat down on the edge of his bed and checked his watch. Training would start in 30 minutes.

“You wanna go check out the hotel? We still got enough time left to at least find out where the bar is.” He tried a hesitant smile, hoping that would encourage Julian.

The first thing they would usually do after checking into a new hotel was going on an ‘expedition’ together. After all, it was important to know who occupied which room just for prank playing purposes alone - because pranks were a huge tradition during international breaks. It was honestly a miracle they hadn’t fallen victim to one this week, yet. What they would typically do was to sneak around the hallways to try and find out who else was on their floor and with whom they could form alliances. It was a silly thing to do but they had done it the first time they had been roommates during their call-up for the U19 and from then on it had kind of turned into a ritual they always did whenever international break came around.

Julian however looked up from his bag, clearly uncomfortable with the suggestion.

“Um… I’d rather finish unpacking and then prepare for training. But you can go on your own if you want. I don’t mind.”

Of course he didn’t mind! Joshua should’ve known better. Did he not see that coming? The sheets in his fists felt too soft, too silky. He knew that ‘wanting to prepare for training’ wasn’t the actual reason Julian didn’t want to come along. The real reason was that Julian had no desire to spend any time with him right now and would probably be more than glad if Joshua left him alone. So much for going back to normal…

Joshua mentally scolded himself for being so foolish. What had he been thinking? That everything would just be forgiven and forgotten? That they could just pretend that things were fine even though they weren’t?

“Okay.” He jumped to his feet, maybe a bit too abruptly and forcefully but he didn’t care. He had to get out of here immediately so he quickly left the room without looking back.

A few steps down the hallway he stopped to pull himself together. He took a few deep breaths and slowly unclenched his fists before moving on.

So this is how things would go from now on. Great…

-  
  
Jogi had specifically arranged for them to arrive this early in Oslo so they could make the best out of the little time they had and fit in as many training sessions as possible. Therefore the team came together for their first training session soon after they all had had some time to check in and find their designated rooms.

Joshua seriously doubted that setting up a tight schedule like this had been a good idea as everyone was still a bit exhausted from the flight and was taking breaks more frequently than usual. Thankfully though, Jogi seemed to know what he was asking of them and cut them some slack.

After some intense work out on the pitch Joshua decided he also deserved some rest and joined his teammates on the bench to watch the rest of them train. Manu came over and sat down beside him as he had just finished his extra keeper exercises. They sat in silence for a few minutes, just observing the others until Manu leaned over to Joshua and lowered his voice. "You should tell him, you know."

Joshua almost choked on the water he was drinking and only after some intense coughing did he manage to get out an answer. "Tell who what?"

He could feel his cheeks heating up. It was a terrible attempt at feigning ignorance, he knew that, but Manu couldn’t possibly know, could he?  
  
Manu smiled sympathetically. "Don't look so surprised. I’ve noticed a long time ago and as your friend it pains me to see you like this."

So he did know. His shoulders slumping Joshua looked down at his hands fiddling with the hem of his shirt. He sighed, his words barely a whisper. “Is it really that obvious?”

“I see the way you're looking at him, Jo. We've all been there, trust me.” Manu lightly rubbed his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him.

Having no other choice but to accept the fact that Manu had found out Joshua chose to be open with him right away. “You’re probably right. It’s just… I don’t know how.” He slowly looked up at the goalkeeper. He must be looking so pathetic right now. But it was the truth. He had absolutely no idea how he could let Julian know what he felt. Especially not right now, after having fucked up so majorly.

“Hey.” Manu must’ve sensed his anxiety because he pulled him into short but tight hug. When they separated he held onto Joshua’s shoulders, forcing him to face him, and gave him a reassuring smile.

“Look, I know you’re scared of being rejected and of ruining your friendship, I get it, but sometimes you have to take risks so things can progress. I honestly don’t know why Julian himself hasn’t noticed yet with all the heart-eye action you’ve got going on-” he chuckled at Joshua’s indignant expression “-but maybe it’s time for you to take matters into your own hands. Who knows what’ll happen? Sometimes things turn out different than expected. Perhaps you should take a chance and see where it leads.”

Joshua tried to process everything he just heard. “So you’re saying I should just tell him outright?”

“I mean, I don’t want you to make any hasty decisions but just think about it, alright?”

With that said Manu gave him a small pat on the back before getting back up to resume his training, leaving Joshua behind with a thousand questions running through his mind.  
  
If Manu had figured it out by himself then who else had? And what if Julian had actually already noticed and that was the reason why he was behaving so strangely? But then why would he even want to stay friends?

His mind was spinning. How was he supposed to make sense out of all of this?

The worst thing was that he couldn’t deny that for all intents and purposes Manu was right. Not doing anything wasn’t going get him anywhere and really, all he had to do was to go up to Julian and tell him that he liked him more than just in a platonic way.

Yeah, if only that were so easy… ugh

Thinking about all of this he grew more and more angry with himself. Literally none of this would’ve happened if he had told Julian right away, on the first day, why he had been so agitated. Now, it would be even harder to try and find the right words, after everything that had happened over the past couple of days. How could he possibly explain his actions to Julian without sounding like the biggest jerk on earth?

-

They had their final training session before the match tomorrow that afternoon. Joshua was currently running a few laps around the pitch to warm up, trying to catch up to Marco and Mario. After Manu’s pep talk from earlier he wanted to ask the two of them for help as they were the only ones who were in on everything. He was just about to reach them when André joined them and ruined his plans by starting to engage them in conversation. Another time, then.

He let himself drop behind a bit and passed some of the others who had started doing stretching exercises by the side lines.

“That’s not the point, though.” Max’s voice was unmistakable. “The point is that you’re a fucking coward!”

“I’m not!” Joshua immediately identified the second voice as Julian’s which made him prick up his ears even more. Why was Julian coward?

“So what else is holding you back? You should just give it to him straight! Boom! In his face!” He emphasised his words with a short clap of his hands.

Joshua didn’t get to hear Julian’s response as he was already too far away by that point. Nevertheless he couldn’t help but wonder what this was about. He knew that he shouldn’t listen in on other people’s conversations but then again they were having a conversation in a public place at a normal volume with other people around so he didn’t feel too guilty about it. The thing that worried him more was that he had a pretty good idea who Max was talking about. And his name starts with ‘J’ and ends with ‘oshua’…

At first he had just been suspecting it but now he was pretty sure that Julian wanted to quit their friendship. What else did he possibly need to ‘give him straight to his face’?

Joshua swallowed down the lump that was beginning to build in his throat. He didn’t even know if he should feel sad or angry. Obviously, he was aware of the fact that Ju wanted to distance himself from him but he never expected Max to dislike him so much, too. Wow…

-

During dinner he found out that Mats and Benni were planning to host a small FIFA party in their room but as more and more people wanted to come they changed their minds and set it up in one of the hotel’s conference rooms. About half an hour later more than half of the team had gathered, eager to indulge in some fun, and together they stole some couches and armchairs from the lobby to make things more comfortable. Dividing the group into two teams, they played one vs one, each player fighting for his team. Whichever team won the majority of the individual rounds, would win the competition.

Joshua ended up being wedged in between Jules and Jonas on one of the smaller sofas. So far Jules had won against Benni and Bernd had lost to Marc. Thomas was playing against Mats at the moment (they had fought over who would get to play as Bayern; Thomas won) and it wasn’t Joshua’s turn for a while so he decided to do them all a favour.

“I’m gonna get myself something to drink from the bar. Anyone else want something?” Everyone immediately raised their hands, which he should have expected. “Guys, I can’t carry all that at once.”

Jules leapt to his feet. “I’ll help you.”

Together they left the conference room, made their way along the hallway, past the reception and lobby and entered the restaurant area of the hotel.

“What are we gonna get?”

“Nothing alcoholic.” Jules looked a bit disappointed so Joshua explained. “I’m not in the mood to deal with hungover idiots tomorrow morning and I don’t think Jogi would appreciate that either.” He didn’t tell Jules that the main reason he wanted to avoid getting drunk was that he would prefer not to relive the incident of a few nights ago. He was pretty sure Julian wouldn’t enjoy that, especially because this time he’d remember it all. No, thank you!

Luckily, Jules didn’t question him further and just nodded. “Yeah, right makes sense.”

They reached the bar at the back and ordered a variety of soft drinks and some bottles of water before sitting down on the barstools to wait for their order.

“So, why didn’t my namesake join us tonight?”

Joshua turned to look at Jules, feeling a bit irritated that he would bring up Julian right now, when he was trying so hard not to think about him for once. “Uh, I don’t know. You’d have to ask him yourself.”

Jules put on a thoughtful expression. “I was just wondering. It seems kinda weird and very unlike him. He’s usually the last to turn down an offer to play FIFA. Plus: you two are basically inseparable. Sometimes I have the feeling you’re joined at the hip. Where you go he follows and vice versa.” He laughed.

Joshua frowned. What was that supposed to mean and why was Jules so keen on talking about Julian? “Listen, we’re not joined at the hip. We’re friends ( _yeah, how much longer?_ ) but we’re two independent people and can do what we want in our free time. If he’s not in the mood to play FIFA, then so be it. Why would you care, anyway?”

Jules raised his hands in mock surrender. “Hey, alright, calm down, I was just joking.” He let out a sigh. “Truth is I’m a bit worried about him. Lately, he doesn’t seem like his usual self anymore and I thought since you two are besties maybe you know why he’s been acting so strange.”

“What do you mean?” Joshua tried to hide the discomfort he was having with this conversation.

“Aw, c’mon! You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed! You can’t even talk to him anymore; he’s totally out of it sometimes. Like something else entirely has taken up his mind.”

Joshua gulped. Damn! Had their behaviour really changed so drastically that other people had picked up on it and saw a reason to get concerned about them? A feeling of guilt took a hold of him. This was not what he had wanted. Of course, he knew that he and Julian didn’t act normal at the moment - how could they with everything that had been going on? - but he hadn’t realised that Julian was bothered to such an extent that his friends would notice something was wrong. What was he supposed to say?

 _‘Well we had a row and didn’t really talk it out and I kissed him because secretly I’m in love with him but he was too drunk to remember so now everything’s weird but I don’t know how to fix it properly and he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore anyways so...’_?

“Yeah, I don’t know, I-“

“Here you go!” Luckily for Joshua, just in that moment, the bartender returned with two trays that held their drinks, sparing him from having to talk his way out of this.

“Thank you!” Glad for the distraction, Joshua eagerly took one of the trays with both of his hands and started making his way back towards the conference room turned gaming den. Jules followed him but didn’t insist on discussing this topic any further.

His words, however, stuck with Joshua for a long time after they had finished this conversation. He had been so caught up in his own thoughts and worries that he hadn’t stopped to think that this might affect Julian more than he had assumed. And it dawned upon him that he actually had no idea how Ju really felt.

What if he still felt guilty? Shit! Julian still believed that it had all been his fault. He probably thought that he had done something so terrible that Joshua would never forgive him for it despite his attempts to make it up to him. Maybe he just didn’t know what else to do because Joshua had dismissed him time and time again so he was starting to lose hope and saw no point in fighting for a friendship that he believed to already be broken beyond repair.

Joshua decided that he needed to change that notion as soon as possible.

-

That night, both he and Julian went to bed pretty early due to their busy schedule the next day. Joshua was lying in his bed, looking into the darkness, and pondered his relationship with Julian - and what Jules had said about it. ‘Joined at the hip’… if only!

Although they had agreed to start over and forget about their fight the tension between them was still palpable. So palpable, in fact, that other people had noticed it, too. What had happened had thrown their friendship completely off course and what was left instead was a fragile shell of what it had once been. Joshua felt like they had to constantly be cautious; always tiptoeing around each other so as not to ruin everything again, even though there wasn’t much that could be ruined, yet. The ease with which they used to interact was gone and Joshua missed their light-hearted conversations.

Sighing, he rolled over and stared at Julian’s back, even though he could barely make out his silhouette in the dim moon light that shone through the curtains. Julian didn’t move but from his irregular breathing Joshua concluded that he wasn’t asleep yet either. Maybe he should just make the first move to show him that for him, this friendship wasn’t over, yet.

“Hey!” Joshua whisper-shouted.

“Huh?” Julian stirred slightly.

“So, uh, are you excited for tomorrow’s match?”

Julian turned around halfway so he was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. “Not really. I’ll be sitting on the bench the whole time, anyway. Like always when it comes to important matches that actually matter.”

Julian’s words shot a pang of pity through Joshua heart. It wasn’t fair. Julian was a great player that deserved to show off his talent on the pitch and for Jogi to always call him up just to bench him every time they had to deal with qualifiers was just straight up cruel.

“I’m sorry.”

Still not looking at Joshua, Julian let out a bitter laugh. “It’s not your fault, is it?”

“No, but I just want you to know that I think you deserve better.”

“Well, you seem to be the only one.”

Joshua hesitated. He wanted to cheer Julian up, like best friends are supposed to do, but there was nothing useful coming into his mind. “Ju, you-“

“Jo…” He paused, as if he wanted to say more, but changed his mind last minute and just shook his head. “Please just go back to sleep.” With that, he rolled back onto his side and ended their talk, leaving Joshua alone with his thoughts once again.

This was not how their conversations usually went. They had always been able to talk openly about things that had upset them, no matter how petty these problems might have seemed, and they had never been afraid to show weaknesses or cry in front of each other. But Julian had completely withdrawn form that. And Joshua could understand that, really. Still, he couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed.

He kept watching Julian long after the latter had fallen asleep, trying to figure out a way to fix everything. He was so tired; not only physically but also mentally. Tired of overthinking every little detail. Tired of wanting more than he could have. Tired of pretending not to like Julian the way he did.

It was past 3 a.m. when exhaustion finally overcame him and he drifted off into a restless sleep.

-

The next day was match day which meant no training, just warm-up. Joshua had had difficulties getting out of bed that morning and had tried to wake up a bit by downing three cups of coffee during breakfast. It probably hadn’t been the best idea since he now was more restless but not much more awake than before. Regardless, there was no way around preparing his body for the match. After all he there was a high chance he would be playing today and he didn’t want to get subbed off because of some silly cramp in the leg.

He was currently on his way towards one of the exercise rooms when Mario seemingly appeared out of nowhere and fell into step beside him. Joshua immediately sensed that he wasn’t just there to make small talk but he wasn’t at all in the mood to discuss his love life right now. Not when he had just spent a whole night trying to sort out his own thoughts.

“Sooo...” Mario drew out the ‘o’, a wicked grin on his face, which was enough to pose his unspoken question.

Joshua groaned in frustration. “What is it?”

“I was just wondering how things are going?” Mario waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“Oh, cut the shit! You know exactly that it’s not going well at all. Or do you think I’d be talking to you right now instead of to him if anything had changed?”

Mario held up his hands defensively. “Alright, alright! No need to be so rude! I’m just trying to help.”

Joshua sighed. “I know, I’m sorry. I’m a bit on edge today because I didn’t sleep well last night and I already had too much coffee and basically, I feel like shit.” He laughed dryly. “You know, I’ve been racking my brain all night about what I could do because continuing to wallow in self-pity won’t help me. But the only thing that I could come up with was telling him. If I want to change anything at all I need to clear things up. Because I can’t continue like this anymore. I’ve realised that bit. I’m just so scared of his reaction and I don’t even know how or when would be the right time… Maybe I should just serenade him with my rendition of Tearin’ up My Heart.”

Mario put a hand on his shoulder to make him halt. “Hey! I think it’s great that you finally worked up the courage to do that!” He smiled proudly. “But the thing is there will never be the perfect moment to tell someone that you love them. There will always be some kind of obstacle that seems insurmountable: it’s either the wrong setting, or you can’t find the right words, or you’re about to lose your nerves. But whatever it is, you just gotta do it eventually. Because, believe me, in the end it doesn’t matter where you are or what you say, the only thing that matters is that you do it. Don’t think about it too much! You won’t be able to influence the outcome, anyway. And don’t sing to him. I’ve heard you sing way too often at Bayern and I’m sorry to inform you but you don’t have the voice for it.”

Joshua snorted. “Yeah, maybe that’s not the best idea.” He paused for a second, getting serious. “Thank you! I really needed to hear that.”

“No big deal! You know that I’m always there for helpless younglings like you.”

Jo rolled his eyes before playfully slapping his arm. “I’m not completely helpless!”

“Oh, really?” Mario gave him a wry look. “May I remind you that your ‘strategy’ of seducing Ju included drunk kissing him and then freaking out about it afterwards?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. You must be confusing me with someone else.” Joshua put on his best ignorant expression but couldn’t conceal a smirk. Put like that, his behaviour sounded truly ridiculous.

“Yeah, right.” Laughing, Mario put his arm around Joshua’s shoulders and together they continued their walk towards the exercise rooms.

Joshua didn’t know how Mario did it but he somehow always managed to make him feel better. With just a few encouraging sentences he had given him the guts to actually go through with this whole plan.

But one question remained: When would he ever get a private moment with Ju? Because yes, Mario was right, there would never be a perfect moment but that didn’t mean that he wanted to proclaim his love in front of everybody else.

-

Jogi announced the planned line-up to them during lunch. Once again Joshua was in the starting XI and once again Julian wasn’t. Joshua felt torn. On one hand he was proud of himself for being trusted with this task of being an integral part of the team but on the other hand Julian’s disappointed expression killed him. He wanted so much for his best friend to have the same awesome adventure as he did. And he knew that he should be grateful that they both got called up for the senior team and got to experience it together but it just wasn’t fair that Julian was just there to warm the bench. It was an insult to his talent and Joshua seriously felt offended on Julian’s behalf. But there was nothing he could do about it.

The team finished lunch to spend the rest of the day preparing for the match and departed for the stadium at around seven. After some final warm up exercises on the pitch they returned to the locker room for Jogi’s usual last minute instructions and Manu’s motivational captain speech before the starting whistle was blown at quarter to nine to let the match begin.

They played a good first half, dominating the game with a lot of possession and creating many chances, as always, but after 40 minutes they still hadn’t scored. That was until Toni played a brilliant cross pass to Thomas who, thanks to being Thomas, somehow managed to get the ball into the net despite being surrounded by four opponents in the box. Unfortunately though, Toni was unintentionally run over by an opposing player who had been to slow to prevent his pass, causing him a minor ankle injury. He held on for the last five minutes of the first half but it was clear that he wouldn’t be able to play the second.

At half time Jogi joined them in the locker room and went on and on about what they had done wrong during the first half and what they needed to change to improve their performance during the second one. Joshua was only half listening as Jogi’s lectures were always kind of the same and instead got lost in his own thoughts while stealing glances at Julian which, admittedly, prompted not exactly the most innocent thoughts.

“… and Julian, you come in for Toni! Get the midfield organised and focus on providing the offense with some material to work with!” It was the mention of Julian’s name and his reaction to it, as his eyes widened with surprise, that pulled Joshua out of his thoughts and brought him back to reality.

“Me?”

“Yes, you! Do you know any other Julians?”

Joshua was pretty sure that Ju had been about to protest that yes, he did and that in fact, there were currently three Julians on the national team, but Jogi had already continued talking so he had no choice but to take it as it was. Still amazed at this turn of events his eyes found Joshua’s, probably by accident or maybe force of habit.

Joshua gave him a thumbs up and attempted a reassuring smile, not sure if that’s what Julian expected of him. But it seemed to be the right thing to do since Ju beamed back at him with an irresistible, overjoyed smile before forcing himself to focus on Jogi’s words again.

In the end they won 0:2 which was a result they could all more or less live with. Even though they once again didn’t convert as many chances as they probably should have, which was becoming a serious problem, and ‘only’ scored twice, they did an outstanding job defending and therefore kept their clean sheet. Joshua was proud of himself but also especially of Julian. His pass to Mesut that had resulted in the second goal in the 65th minute was one of the best assists Joshua had ever witnessed. Everything in him had wanted to run towards Julian instead of straight to Mesut and for a split second he had considered doing it but Julian had run towards Mesut along with the other players around them so they all ended up in a big group hug anyway.

-

Having given an interview Joshua came back to an almost empty locker room. Everyone else had already finished getting dressed and Thomas and Julian who had been interviewed as well were the last ones to still be there. Mario’s words at the back of his mind Joshua felt now would be as good a time as any. But he needed to act quickly before he could change his mind and back out of it.

He would do this; for real this time. No more excuses, no more cryptic behaviour, and no backing out of it. He was going to do this, no matter what would happen afterwards. He had to. For himself and for Ju. If Julian had really given up on their friendship, telling him wouldn’t make much of a difference anyway, would it? So when he was about to leave Joshua gathered all his courage.

“Ju, wait!” Julian stopped walking halfway to the door but didn’t answer so Jo carried on. “Can we talk? I think we really need to.”

Julian paused for a second before turning around, obviously surprised by Jo’s request. “I agree.” He shot a side glance at Thomas, who had followed their interaction intently, so Joshua addressed him, hoping the other would agree to give them some time alone.

“Sorry, Thomas. Could you maybe give us a minute?”

“Yeah, uh, sure, yeah.” He frantically collected his remaining stuff, having only managed to get half dressed, and took off, leaving behind an awkward silence between them.

Julian cleared his throat. “Sooo… talking?”

“Yes, I wanted to-“

“Why did you put it off until now when I tried to do just that a couple of days ago?” Joshua winced at the sharp edge in Julian’s voice.

“Because I was scared of how you’d react if I told you the truth about what I did and that you wouldn’t forgive me for it.”

Julian’s expression faltered. “What _you_ did?”

Joshua nodded reluctantly and let out a shaky breath.

“Jo, what do you mean ‘what you did’?”

Trying to avoid eye contact Joshua looked down at his shoes, nervously shuffling his feet. Shit! This was much harder than he had expected. “I… I lied to you.” Slowly, he looked up at Julian, who seemed to get more and more confused by the second. “I didn’t mean to! Really! But I got scared and I just couldn’t do it.” A bitter laugh escaped his lips. “Look at me! I can’t even do it now.”

“Jo, what are you talking about?” Julian made a careful step towards him, worry replacing the sharpness from before.

Jo took a deep breath. He could do this. He had to!

“I kissed you.”

Julian stopped abruptly. “What?” His expression was unreadable. He obviously looked shocked but he didn’t seem angry or upset, just unsure if Joshua was being serious. “When? Why?”

“You came to apologise two nights ago, after the party at Mario’s and Marco’s. You wanted to fix this whole mess and asked me for forgiveness which…”, he shook his head, “It wasn’t even your fault! None of this! It was mine! But you were so desperate to sort this out, you were willing to put the whole blame on yourself for the sake of our friendship and I just… kissed you. And the next day I was so scared of your reaction but you were too drunk to remember any of it so you thought it was _you_ who did something wrong and I thought I could just led you to believe that was the case. And I’m an asshole for that, I know. I just thought we could ignore it and continue like before but I can’t do this anymore! This whole situation,” he gestured between them, “is so awkward and messed up. I can’t even look at you without feeling immediate regret. And the worst thing is that this didn’t change a thing about my feelings for you! My heart still does somersaults and my knees still turn into jelly every time I’m close to you and it tears me apart to know that you’ll never feel the same way about me but I also can’t bring myself to distance myself from you because I know that that would hurt even more, just like it does right now, and it’s all just too much! I-… I’m in love with you, Ju!”

There it was.

How long had he been wanting to say this? And how long had he been dreading to do it? For one thing, he was glad Julian finally got to hear all of it but for another thing he knew that this would be it. The end of their friendship.

Joshua could hear his heart beating frantically in his chest while Julian just stared at him, unable to form any words, which made sense considering his best friend basically just attacked him with a love confession. But after what felt like hours, he still hadn’t said anything and Jo couldn’t bear it anymore.

“Please say something.”

“We’re such idiots!” Joshua didn’t even have the time to process what Julian meant by that because the latter had already closed the distance between them and grabbed Joshua’s face to pull him into a desperate kiss.

_Oh!_

After a couple of seconds of being completely overwhelmed Joshua finally realised what was going on and started to kiss him back. And the feeling was indescribable. How often had he fantasised about this? And still, none of his dreams have ever come close to this reality.

He clutched at Ju’s shirt, pulling him closer, needing to know that this was happening, needing to feel that Julian was really there, taking his breath away. He just needed more, more, more.

Julian responded by running his fingers through Joshua’s hair and gently tugging at it, while pressing their bodies even closer together. His kiss was passionate but tender. He was eager, like he had wanted to do this for ages too, but didn’t push too much, letting Joshua control the direction they were taking this in instead. And Joshua savoured every second of it. If this was his one chance at showing Julian what he really felt he couldn’t risk not making the most of it. Thankfully, Julian seemed to enjoy it just as much. His tongue glided over Joshua’s lips and Joshua willingly parted them for him to let him deepen the kiss. When Ju grinded his hips against him, Joshua’s knees almost buckled beneath him and he let out a soft moan. Gosh, no victory could ever feel this good.

Suddenly though, Joshua became aware of some people clapping and cheering. Confused, he pulled away from Julian, feeling slightly out of breath, and looked to his right where basically the whole team stood in the doorway and corridor behind it, Mario and Marco at the very front with proud smiles on their faces.

“Finally!” Thomas shouted from somewhere in the back. “Didn’t I tell you? I told you they would get their shit together this time!”

“I honestly don’t think I’ve ever witnessed a more dramatic love confession. The Notebook is a joke compared to you two.” Max stated dryly, but it was clear that he was trying to supress a grin.

Joshua stared at his teammates incredulously. “You all knew?” He turned back to Julian to ask him if he was in on this but he looked just as perplexed as Jo felt, and his cheeks started to redden just as much.

“Wha-… You guys promised me you wouldn’t tell anybody else!” Julian fixed Mario and Marco with a stare.

Marco laughed. “Oh no! We didn’t tell anybody. We just didn’t deny it. They all figured it out on their own at one point or another and when they kept coming to us to complain that you two were too damn oblivious and that they couldn’t stand the constant pining anymore we decided to work out a plan.”

“A plan?”

“Yes!” Mario chimed in. “We didn’t want it to be too obvious so you didn’t notice this was our doing. I mean, at first it was just us. We were pretty direct and tried to make you talk to each other several times but somehow you two were always able to just fuck it up even more. So we brought in some of the others.” He gestured to where his teammates were standing, including Manu, Max, Jules and André, all of them wearing a mischievous grin. “They were supposed to talk to you individually and make you realise that you needed to figure this out. Some were bolder with their approach-” he shot an accusing glance at Max who hastily cleared his throat “-and others were more subtle but I think it’s safe to say they all did a fantastic job.”

They both must’ve been staring in them with jaws dropped to the floor because laughter erupted anew. “Aw, don’t look so shocked! You never would’ve solved this if it weren’t for us!” Max exclaimed.

And as much as Joshua hated to admit it, he was probably right. They owed all of them a lot and they should probably be grateful for what they did even though he still couldn’t believe that everyone basically knew they had a crush on each other except for themselves. But for now all he wanted was to be with Julian. They had a lot to catch up on.

Fortunately, Manu seemed to sense that so he shooed the others out of the room and insisted that they’d leave Jo and Ju alone to give them some privacy, which of course was followed by sniggers from the rest of the group.

-

When everyone was gone Julian put his arms around his waist to pull him closer and gently bumped their foreheads together. “They really played us, didn’t they?”

“Yeah, they did. But we played ourselves the most.” Joshua looked up into Julian’s beautiful brown eyes that beamed back at him. “Why have you never said anything or even just indicated that you liked me in that way?”

Julian tilted back a bit, a baffled expression on his face. “I did! Marco and Mario were the ones who gave me the idea to show my affection in a subtle kind of way, you know, ‘non-verbally’, but the more I tried to get close to you the more you shut yourself off and then you snapped at me to stop doing that. That was what got us into this whole predicament in the first place. I don’t think I’ll ever take Götzeus advice ever again.”

He laughed but Joshua could only stare at him in disbelief. “Wait, so you’re saying that these touches and advances were deliberate? That this was your way of telling me you had a crush on me?” Joshua couldn’t believe it. “Oh my God! I’m so stupid!” He buried his head in the crook of Julian’s neck to hide his embarrassment.

Julian chuckled and ruffled his hair. “Like I said: We’re idiots! But now you’re my idiot.”

Joshua slowly pulled back and looked up at Julian. “So you’re not angry anymore?” It was ridiculous but a small part of him still doubted that this all was really happening and not just some amazing dream that he was going to wake up from in a few seconds.

But Ju just smiled and placed a small peck on his lips. “Of course not! The only thing I would consider being angry about is that I don’t remember our first kiss. And I’m mad that we settled this whole issue now that international break is over and we both have to go back to our clubs.”

Joshua’s face fell. Fuck! He hadn’t thought about that. Honestly, why the hell was the universe so keen on making him suffer?

“Don’t worry, we’ll make it work. I promise.” Ju pulled him back into his arms and whispered into his ear. “You’re not gonna get rid of me so fast.”

Joshua didn’t need to respond. After everything that happened Julian knew that he felt the same way. He simply let Julian hold him, let his fingers softly rub his back, and sighed happily. He could get used to this.

They probably would’ve stayed that way if it Marco hadn’t appeared and popped their little bubble by knocking on the door frame.

“The bus leaves in five. Just wanted to let you know.” With that he disappeared as fast as he had showed up.

Joshua let go of Julian only reluctantly. Why couldn’t time just stop and freeze this moment forever?

Julian smiled down at him. “I guess we should get going.”

“I guess so.”

So they packed up their stuff and left the locker room together, Julian lacing their fingers together on their way out.

-

They entered the bus among roars and applause and throughout the ride back to the hotel they were the number one topic. You would think the game had given the others enough material to discuss but no; everyone kept talking and whispering about them. Thomas even invented a small chant that he was not afraid to belt out at the top of his lungs.

It was all very embarrassing but looking at a flustered and blushing Julian sitting next to him, Joshua found he didn’t mind too much. He rested his head on Julian’s shoulders and closed his eyes, breathing in the smell that was so distinctly ‘Julian’ that he would recognise it anywhere. Julian gently brushed his fingers through his hair and in that exact moment of time Joshua felt safe to say that he was the happiest man alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically it. There will be an epilogue though so it's not completely over ;)


	6. Epilog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Julian woke up to the beautiful early morning light shining through the blinds and directly onto his face. Normally, he would curse the sun and the whole universe for waking him up at such an ungodly hour but today was different."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry belated Christmas, happy Hanukkah or just happy holidays if you don't celebrate!

Julian woke up to the beautiful early morning light shining through the blinds and directly onto his face. Normally, he would curse the sun and the whole universe for waking him up at such an ungodly hour but today was different. He hadn’t been able to get a proper night’s sleep anyway as he was way too excited.

Still a bit sleepy, he turned around and stretched out his arm to reach for his phone. When he pressed the home button a new text message appeared on the screen.

**From Jo** **♥:** _4 hours left :)_

Julian smiled, his heart fluttering with anticipation. It had been more than a month since they had last seen each other. Their tight training schedules and their teams’ participation in both the Bundesliga as well as the Champions League had made it practically impossible to meet up and spend some time together. Instead, they had had to settle with messaging and calling each other multiple times per day, which definitely didn’t suffice for neither of them.

But today was the day on which he would finally be able to hold Joshua in his arms again. It was once again international break and Julian had never looked forward to anything as much as he did right now.

He quickly unlocked his phone and answered Joshua’s text.

**To Jo** **♥:** _3 hours and 22 minutes :*_

Then he got up and started getting ready for the day. He would have to leave his apartment at 8 a.m. to catch the bus waiting for him and the other Dortmund NT players at Brackel on time. From there the bus would take every national player from the Ruhr area to Hannover where the first match of the break was going to take place. He took a quick shower and made himself some breakfast before leaving his flat.

-

During the two hour journey he sat next to André who for some reason thought it would be a fun idea to tease him about his excitement.

“Had too much coffee?”

Julian looked up from his phone. “Huh?”

“You haven’t been able to sit still for a single minute ever since we’ve entered this bus. You keep checking your phone and bouncing your legs and it’s honestly driving me crazy.” After a short pause a knowing smirk started to spread across his face. “You’re not looking forward to something particular today, are you? Or does this maybe have to do with the fact that you just can’t wait to see your dearly beloved sweetheart again?” He waggled his eyebrows.

Julian could feel his cheeks starting to heat up. “Uuuh, maybe…” He couldn’t deny it because it was true and André knew exactly that that was the reason but Ju didn’t really want to discuss it with him, if possible. It wasn’t that he was ashamed of his relationship with Joshua; he could never be ashamed of that; but it had already been embarrassing enough that the whole team, except for them, had known about their mutual crushes and then witnessed their reconciliation, including the make-out session that had followed. And the way André was grinning indicated that he was recalling the same thing right now so Julian saved his breath.

“You know you won’t be able to share a room this time, though, right?” It was more of a statement than a question, as if it was something obvious that Julian should have been aware of.

“What?” He must’ve been looking at André like he had just told him that the World Cup got cancelled.

“Yes!” André seemed astounded about the fact that Julian had no idea. “Löw decided to do the arrangements alphabetically this time because he’s sick and tired of the team’s shenanigans, as he put it. Has no one told you?”

Julian swore he could hear the world shattering around him. No! This couldn’t be! He hadn’t seen Jo in over four weeks and now they wouldn’t even let them be roommates? When were they supposed to have some privacy? They had so much to catch up on; and he was definitely not about to steal kisses in between training sessions. He wanted to spend every second of this break with his boyfriend. They had to savour every moment they had together because who knew when they would be able to meet up again? Jogi couldn’t just change the rules out of nowhere! What did the others think about that? How could they just let that happen?

Suddenly, his mental breakdown was interrupted by André laughing uncontrollably and slapping his thighs, which irritated Julian even more. When André finally calmed down a bit he spoke again. “I’m just messing with you. Of course you two can share. When has Löw ever interfered with room arrangements? If he really did that all hell would break loose.” He sniggered. “Man, you should’ve seen your face! You looked like you were about to cry. Hilarious!”

Julian punched him in his arm but without much force behind it. “Haha! Very funny…”

André rubbed the spot Julian had hit. “Aw, come on! If you won’t let me sleep because of your constant fidgeting then at least let me have some fun.”

Julian just shook his head and went back to check his phone for a new message from Joshua. He’ll get back at André sometime.

-

When they finally arrived at the team hotel Julian got off the bus and retrieved his luggage from the trunk. Laden with his bags he walked towards the hotel entrance. He wondered if the Bayern players had already arrived as they were set to travel by plane but his thoughts were interrupted abruptly when he saw Joshua already standing in the doorway, waiting for him. Julian stopped dead in his tracks.

There he was. Julian had thought that he had been able to handle a month without Joshua pretty well but seeing him now made him realise how much he had actually missed him, how much he had actually yearned to see and smell and touch him again.

Joshua had noticed him, too and was already sprinting towards him at full speed, an overjoyed grin grazing his features. After the initial few seconds of being awestruck Julian dropped all of his bags and began running too. They reached each other halfway across the driveway. Jo jumped into his arms, crossing his legs behind Julian’s back, and the impact made Julian spin the two of them around in circles before he found his balance again. (Okay; maybe he also did it for the cinematic effect of it but psst!)

Joshua showered his face in smooches before finally leaning in for a deeper kiss. They parted after a minute to catch their breaths. Jo leaned his forehand against his, gently rubbing their noses Eskimo-style, and he lightly brushed his fingers through the hair at the nape of Julian’s neck.

“I missed you so much!” It was barely more than a whisper but it was everything Julian needed to hear right now.

He couldn’t help but place another small peck on Jo’s lips. “You can’t imagine how much I looked forward to this moment.”

“Aaawww Manu, look at them! The babies are growing up.” Thomas and Manu had observed their reunion from a few steps away but of course Julian could still hear Thomas’s unmistakable, loud voice. But he decided that this moment was too important for him to let himself get distracted by some teasing comments from his teammates so he just ignored it and didn’t give them a reaction.

-

“Ugh, I thought you were annoying before but as a couple you’re so much more insufferable. You’re so cute I think I have to go puke.” Max was sitting opposite the two of them at one of the tables in the dining hall where they were currently having lunch and regarded them with feigned nausea.

Julian huffed and put down his fork with which he had just fed some of his food to Joshua for him to try. “Pfft, you’re just jealous that, unlike you and Leon, we’ve finally gotten over ourselves and started dating.”

Max almost spit out the spoonful of soup he was just about to swallow, almost making him choke on it and causing Joshua and Julian to break out in a fit of laughter.

“Excuse me? Leon and me?” His expression was absolutely priceless and Julian had difficulties regaining his composure.

Joshua managed to calm down faster and even looked genuinely surprised at Max’s bewilderment. “Of course! Don’t tell me you don’t know.”

“Don’t know what?” Max asked warily.

“Oh my God dude, get on it!” Julian pulled out his phone, eagerly tapping the screen. “The internet is all over you two already. They’re writing fan fiction and all that stuff.”

“ _What_?” Max’s voice hitched and a few people around them turned around to see who had caused the disturbance.

Julian looked up from his phone with a frown. “You know, these stories written by fans about-“

Max huffed impatiently but visibly forced himself to lower his voice. “I know what fan fiction is! But you’re telling me people really write that about Leon and me? I thought that’s just for fictional characters, not real people!”

Julian snorted but didn’t look up from his phone. “Ha, fandom stops at nothing, my friend.”

Max gave him an incredulous look. “How do you know about that, anyway?”

“If you’re constantly online, like me, you’re bound to come across fan fiction pages sooner or later. So I read some of them and shared them with Jo! It’s actually a lot of fun.”

“Wait, does that mean there’s fanfiction about you two, too?”

“Yes, of course!” Jo confirmed. “And even though most of them are written by people our age, or even younger, I must say they are very well written, don’t you think?” He turned to Julian for confirmation.

Ju nodded in agreement. “Yes, absolutely! Oh, I also sent some of the ones that are about you two to Leon and he said they were ‘a bit imaginative but cute’.”

Max’s jaw dropped. “You did what? Gimme that!”

He yanked Julian’s phone out of his hands and read the page that Julian had just opened. His face got redder with each second he continued reading. After a few seconds he slammed the phone face first on the counter.

“Oh my God! Who writes such things? How can you enjoy reading this about yourself?”

“What are you guys talking about?” Leon had suddenly appeared out of nowhere and plopped down next to Max, causing him to jerk in surprise.

“Nothing!” Max blurted out, trying just a little too hard to cover up his embarrassment. Julian and Joshua shared a knowing smirk but quickly schooled their faces back into an innocent expression and resumed their lunch.

Max shot them a quick glare before turning to Leon, acting like nothing had happened. “We were just talking about how sickeningly sweet these two have become ever since they realised they’re in love with each other.”

“Dear God, don’t get me started!” Leon sighed and rolled his eyes in mock exasperation.

“Hey!” Julian pointed his fork at them accusingly. “It took us long enough to figure out all of this,” - he gestured between him and Jo - “so at least let us enjoy it for a while! If our ‘coupley-ness’ bothers you then maybe start looking for your own significant other. It’s not our fault you can’t seem to find one!”

Leon laughed. “Ouch!” He playfully elbowed Max. “Maybe we _should_ do that, though. What do you think?”

Max nodded slowly, still fixing them both with a stare that said he will get his revenge for what they did. “Anything that lets me forget these two lovebirds exist, I’m in.”

“Great!” Leon exclaimed and dug into his mashed potatoes.

They finished their meals quickly deviating from their previous topic, mainly due to Leon’s presence, and instead talking about the upcoming matches. This time, Jogi had called up more youngsters than he usually did, including Leon, who, after a long injury break, was finally back to 100 percent fitness.

The fact that some older players were spared to rest this time around, made Julian pretty confident that most of the younger ones would get at least some playing time during one of the matches. After his incredible assist in the last game during the previous international break Julian couldn’t wait to get back on the pitch in the black and white kit and fight for his country.

-

In the afternoon Julian and Joshua spent the whole training session together. They ran together; they stretched together; they were on the same team during six against six; they took breaks together. From the outside it might have looked like they couldn’t live without being attached to each other but it was simply such a relief to finally have Joshua around again that Julian didn’t want to miss a single second with him.

At one point though, as fate willed, he had to go pee which was one thing they had agreed on to do by themselves. He was walking through the hallway of the stadium’s facilities when suddenly a hand grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him into one of the adjacent rooms. Julian quickly turned around to see who the attacker was and was greeted by Thomas and Manu immediately blocking the exit and giving him an once-over. Julian questioningly raised an eyebrow. “What is this?”

Thomas sighed. “It’s about Joshua.”

“What about him?” Julian wasn’t sure whether this was going to be a serious discussion or one of Thomas’s pranks that he talked Manu into.

“Okay, listen. We didn’t have the chance to talk to you about this last time so we’re doing it now: Joshua likes you a lot, we hope you’re aware of that - you better be - and we, as his friends and guardians, consider this our responsibility so please don’t take this the wrong way, we like you a lot but uh… if you hurt him, we’ll kill you.”

“Wha-“

“No, we will not kill you!” Manu quickly intervened and pulled Thomas back by his shoulder, shaking his head at Thomas before turning to Julian again. “What he meant to say was that we’re happy for you two and we hope that it’ll work out in the long run seeing as you two will have to deal with a long distance relationship which isn’t always easy. You both mean a lot to us and we don’t want either of you to get hurt. Just… don’t give up on what you two have even if it sometimes seems unbearable, okay?”

“O-okay…?” Julian had difficulties comprehending what had just happened. Did they really think he was going to break Joshua’s heart and break up with him as soon as they would run into some inconveniences? What kind of emotionally detached asshole did they think he was? He appreciated the concern but this was absolutely none of their business.

He had to admit that sometimes it was kind of cute how Manu and Thomas cared for and worried about Joshua. He figured they were to Joshua what Mario and Marco were to him: someone to look up to, someone to guide and help him. But maybe they did take this a little too far. They weren’t his parents after all, even though Julian sometimes did get the impression that they thought they were.

“Have you given the same talk to Joshua, already?”

Thomas started laughing. “No need. I think Mario and Marco got that one covered.”

Julian narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “Are you four scheming again?”

“What? I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Yeah, right.” Julian shook his head in disbelief. What did he do to deserve friends like them? “Can you at least let me go pee now?”

“Oh, of course!” They stepped aside and let him through. As he walked towards the bathroom he could hear Thomas speaking up.

“I think that went pretty well.” He sounded quite satisfied with himself.

Manu snorted. “And _I_ think Joshua will have a much better experience…”

-

After dinner Joshua and Julian decided to rather go to bed instead of joining some of their teammates for some rounds of FIFA. They had already pushed their twin beds together to make a king-size and were now talking about what they each had experienced during the past month. Even though they had facetimed and called every day they somehow still had enough things left to tell each other about.

Julian was lying on his back, and stared into the darkness above him. He had one arm wrapped around Jo whose head rested on his chest, and drew circles on his shoulder blade. He had just told him how André had fooled him on their bus ride, causing Joshua to burst into laughter, when he remembered his conversation with Manu and Thomas from this afternoon.

“I had a talk with Manu and Thomas today.”

Joshua looked up at him. “Let me guess: Thomas threatened to hurt you if you break up with me.”

Julian met Joshua’s gaze. “Mario and Marco?”

“Yeah, they put it into nicer words, though. Did you have your ‘safe sex’ talk, yet?”

“My what?” Julian strongly hoped he had misheard what had just come out of Joshua’s mouth.

Joshua cackled at Julian’s indignation. “Thomas and Manu tried to introduce me to the birds and the bees, as Thomas put it. Gosh, it was so awkward, I can’t believe they actually did that. What am I? Thirteen?” He stifled a yawn. “I guess the four of them teamed up for this so I’m sure you can expect Mario and Marco to put you through that, too.”

“Oh my God! This is getting ridiculous.” Julian groaned. “We really need to do something about that. They’re not our parents. And even if they were: this certainly isn’t something I would want to discuss with them!”

Joshua chuckled. “Try telling that to these idiots.”

“Yeah, that’s gonna be quite a challenge.”

Joshua yawned again and turned around in Julian’s arms. “Yes, a challenge that can probably wait until tomorrow.”

Julian could feel fatigue overcoming him as well as he also began to yawn. “It probably can.” He snuggled up to Jo and put his arm around him to pull him closer. Burying his nose in Joshua’s hair he breathed in his scent before placing a soft kiss behind his ear. “Good night.”

Joshua’s response was nothing more than a dozy murmur before he drifted off to sleep. “G’night.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you can probably guess which ship will get a fic dedicated to them next. But it will probably take me some time to write that because this time I want to have an outline so I don't have to constantly come up with plot points as I write.
> 
> Still, I hope you enjoyed this fic. I never would've thought that I'd be writing a multi-chaptered fic but look where I am now. And this definitely won't be the end of my foray into writing (as long as you want more I will be writing :D). If you liked this please consider leaving kudos or a comment, that would just make my day. Thank you for reading! ♥

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All of this is fictional. None of the actions being described in this fic are or were real. I'd also like to mention that English isn't my native language so mistakes will occur.
> 
> Find me on [tumblr](http://reuer.tumblr.com/)


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